Friday my show came down at Red Dot Gallery in Sacramento.  My brother and my cousin were there in the big blue Audi to load up all the work that didn’t sell, and now it sits in a neat little row in the dining room.  This month-long show was a fantastic experience, and one that I won’t soon forget.

On opening night I was surprised by former teachers, former colleagues, old friends and friends’ folks.  My family and my lady were there the whole night through, happily standing around and looking at the art they’d already seen, smiling and chatting with everybody that filtered through.  Gallery director Michael was holding it down too, of course, swiping credit cards on his iPhone and sticking little red dots on some tags.

Two days later was Second Saturday, and a small contingent of bay-area friends made the trip to Sacramento.  Again there were surprise visits, and again I stood around and smiled and schmoozed with a much larger and much more unknown group of art aficionados.  I especially enjoyed listening to one particular gentleman break down every single one of my pieces to his slightly overwhelmed female companion, who I think was glad there were only 29 pieces in the show.

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Spring is really here, ladies and gentlemen. It’s been a wet and wild month of March in Sacramento, but today the sun is shining and the grass is as green as it gets. This month’s calendar features a veritable symbol of spring: the daffodil. And while these particular flowers ain’t yellow, the rest of the colors will hopefully bring some cheer to your desktop.

Download in various sizes here: 2560 x 1600, 1920 x 1200, 1680 x 1050, 1440 x 900, and 1280 x 800.

If you’re in search of a fresh background for your iPad or iPhone, check out Paper Leaf’s April Wallpaper, available in those additional formats.

A special thanks to James M. Harris for his lovely “Bellerose” font.

I went to Chevys for dinner tonight with my mom and brother.  There was a chalkboard in the front advertising a different special for each night.  Wednesday was “Fajita Night”, which is great because we love fajitas.  I’ve gotten the original chicken fajitas every time I’ve been to Chevys since the very first time I ordered them.  Except for that one time that I ordered this combo thing that looked amazing on the menu but turned out to be a colossal disappointment.  After that it’s been nothing but chicken fajitas.

We sat down at a booth and my mom and brother opened their menus and remarked that Chevys has raised their prices, which is true.  I didn’t bother opening mine because I already knew what I was getting.  But they sounded really adamant about how much the prices had gone up so I opened my menu and looked at the price of the chicken fajitas, and saw that they’re now $14.95.  This is definitely a lot higher than they used to be.  I distinctly remember them being $12.95, and I vaguely remember them being less than $10.  While we waited for our waitress we wondered about Fajita Night and what it could possibly mean.  Maybe free fajitas, we thought.

Finally the waitress came and we asked her what fajita night was all about.

“Well if you order fajitas you get a pound and a pint,” she said.

We thought about this for a moment, then asked: “You get what?”

“A pound and a pint”, she repeated.

We thought about this again, then asked “A pound and a pint of what?”

“A pound of chips and a pint of salsa”, she said.

“Oh” we said.

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Finally, at long last, we’ve reached the season finale of The Bachelor.  I couldn’t be happier, honestly.  While I started off this season with high hopes, week after week of inane uninteresting drama have left me a cynical shell of the Bachelor fan I once was.  And so, for perhaps the last time, I give you my review.

We’re in Switzerland, still, and Ben can’t believe that his journey of love is ending here.  His hotel room has a view of the spectacular Matterhorn, and it’s a good thing:

“Somehow someway that big ol’ beautiful Matterhorn gives me hope”.  It’s like he’s Frodo Baggins on a quest to destroy the one ring, and seeing the mountain is all that keeps him going.  Oh wait.  He’s an average dude at a hotel in Switzerland who has to choose between two women.

Ben’s mom and sister come to visit and offer some support.  They walk up to his little cabin and knock on the door.  He doesn’t get up from his chair by the fire to open the door.  Because he’s the Bachelor, and women must prove themselves to him.  They let themselves in and have some hugs and Ben gets all teary eyed!  He loves them!

Ben’s sister Julia is good at reading women, so she’s going to be a huge help.  She takes herself and her minuscule television appearance way too seriously, acting as if her approval and her advice are monumental and of national importance.

Ben gives his family a little preview of the two girls, and the challenge has been set: Lindzi needs more time and for Ben to be sure of how she really feels about him, and Courtney needs to put to rest concerns about her ability to get along with women.

Somehow, Julia knows that there’s a girl here that the other girls don’t get along with.  She’s just chatting away and randomly asks “so is there like a girl that had problems getting along with the other women?” Totally coincidental, I’m sure.  Ben tells her that yes, there is such a girl and her name is Courtney.  Julia says “it’s a red flag”, and Ben gets scared. She also says she would be “weary” (not a typo) of such a woman.

Lindzi shows up the next day for lunch, and is really really nervous.  At the table she keeps dropping her fork.

After some awkward eating, Ben’s mother pulls her aside and asks the million dollar question: What is it about Ben that you find so appealing?  Damn good question Mom.  We’ve all been wondering the same thing.

Lindzi says he’s “Caring, compassionate, and passionate about what he does”, which is a very good answer, and it’s sad to see this girl sucking up so hard to Ben and his family.

Then it’s Julia’s turn with Lindzi, and we realize that she looks exactly like Ben with even longer hair, which is really scary.  She’s trying to be cool and authoritative, and she immediately brings up Courtney, per ABC’s instructions.  She says that the girl who the other girls don’t get along with “is usually a red flag”.  It is hard to get along with a red flag—green flags are much friendlier.  Red flags tend to be rather standoffish and stiff.  And red.  And flag-like.

In the end, the huge surprise is that mommy and sissy like Lindzi alot, and Ben is totally relieved.

Before we go to break, Julia says in confessional that there are “red flags” when it comes to Courtney already.  Dramatic music ensues.

Back from break, Julia says “red flag” again (seriously) and we’re getting really worried about Courtney.

Courtney shows up for lunch and Ben greets her in a ridiculous massive grey sweater.  Let’s note that Courtney is given the favorable position of going second.  Whereas Lindzi tried to sell herself to Ben’s family, Ben tries to sell Courtney.

Julia immediately brings up the other girls in the house, and Courtney says she tried with everybody, but that some girls “wouldn’t look at her or talk to her”, so she eventually just gave up.

Julia and Courtney head outside for their one-on-one time, and Julia says that hearing Courtney didn’t get along with the girls “is kind of a red flag”.  At this point I want to find a red flag and slap Julia with it repeatedly.

Courtney says some of the girls weren’t interested in getting to know her.  Julia’s coming around quickly to the idea of Courtney.  She says she “won’t ever know what really happened”, (unless she watches the TV show, of course), but that she wants to believe what Courtney is telling her.

Courtney goes on to compliment Ben: He’s special and smart and funny.  She’s really happy, and it’s just like a fairy tale.

With Courtney gone, Julia gives Ben her verdict: it’s the moment America’s been waiting for!  Julia’s first impression is that “she’s shocked”.  She’s “blown away”.

Oh my god she’s shocked!  Does she not like her?!?!?!  AAHHH!!  

“Courtney’s an amazing girl.  If you want my approval?  You can have it.”

“Oh yeeaaah” says Ben, like he’s inside of somebody.  Good lord his sweater is ridiculous.

Now we get the happy music, and everything’s OK with Courtney.  She’s already calling Barbara “Barb”, which is a little bit weird.

Now the three Bens sit and reflect on the two women.  “Barb” thinks that Lindzi is very accomplished in her career and in her hobbies.  She also thinks that Courtney is accomplished in her career too.

Julia says Courtney was really honest.  Barb thinks Courtney’s giving Ben her true side.  Julia thinks that as far as the complete package goes, Courtney’s more what he’s looking for.  Looks like it’s going to be Courtney.  Weird that they’re giving us this already.  But it’s not like we didn’t know.  We just need to put Lindzi through the ringer and break her heart really bad first.

Two. More. Dates.

Ben rolls up to his date with Lindzi in a ridiculous carriage.  Surprisingly, his coat kinda fits and doesn’t look totally ridiculous.  They’re going skiing!  Lindzi has always wanted to ski, and at 27 she’s finally getting her big chance.  She doesn’t know what she’s getting into, just like in a relationship.

They get in a gondola and Lindzi knows it’s time to open up.  Looking at Ben it’s pretty obvious that he’s set on Courtney.

Lindzi wants to know if Ben thinks she’s been open.  Like, “have I been a good open girl?”.  Ben’s like, “yeah, you’ve been open”.  You’ve been a good girl.  Now Lindzi’s really opening up and she wants to be the best she can be for him, and he says coolly “uh huh. it means a lot, it does”.  This is hard to watch.  Lindzi is a catch and she’s trying so hard to ingratiate herself to this mediocre dude.  It’s so over.  Sorry Lindzi.

She feels like she can trust Ben.  Both on the slopes and in life.  She really likes metaphors.  Skiing in Switzerland looks awesome.  They go back to the hotel for dinner.

“I’m so vulnerable” Lindzi tells us.  “I’ve never been more vulnerable”.  She still needs to let him know how she feels, apparently.  He’s really sincere though, which makes it easier for her to open up to him, which is good for all of us.

OH MY GOD IT’S THE SAME STORY OVER AND OVER AGAIN WITH THIS WOMAN

“I came into this with walls up”  “I think maybe I do use a sense of humor as a crutch, a defense”.  Ben gets it.  He totally gets it.

They’re still talking about Lindzi letting her guard down.  She says “I love you” but in a questioning way that makes it easier to say.

Ben says “Thank you for opening up.  I’ve been waiting for this point, you know?  for you to open up and to get there.”  He’s like totally approving and cool about it, and it’s like this sick game where she has to prove that she loves him enough and he just sits back and nods and says “good”, and salivates over how vulnerable and open she is.

She wants this, if he wants this, and she wants him to know everything he needs to know, and my god I feel bad for this poor woman because it’s going to hurt so badly and Ben can’t even say that he loves her too, because apparently there’s some Bachelor rule against this.

Now it’s time for Courtney’s date.  I’d like to point out that Courtney again is getting the favorable position here, going second.

Courtney’s still not through burning the girls: “one thing I like about Ben is that he has a lot of depth?  And that’s just not something I noticed in Lindzi.”

They go off in a helicopter, and Ben pretends that he’s been up in the chopper all week scouting the territory: “You’re gonna love it”.

“I’m hoping that our relationship is progressing to new heights”, says Ben.  Are they required to make crappy metaphors out of everything?  They obviously didn’t receive training on making good metaphors, perhaps just cash bonuses for each metaphor they drop.

Courtney likes Ben and she feels like she can trust him, and she doesn’t trust men easily.  She doesn’t trust women easily either, of course.  Maybe she trusts dogs.

Ben grills up some sausages on a cool little BBQ and Courtney throws a little snowball at him.  He LOVES it.  They go sledding down the hill and they’re actually kinda cute.  Maybe they are totally meant for each other.

Back at the hotel, Courtney gives Ben a prezzie.  It’s a scrapbook of photos of the two of them.  Somehow it’s much less creepy than Blakely’s.  It doesn’t look like it was made by an 8-year-old.  That’s probably it.

There’s a long love letter, and she reads the ENTIRE THING OUTLOUD to Ben. She even reads the “dot dot dot”, and the signature, “Cee”.

“That’s really really nice!  Talk about being vulnerable!” says Ben.  Seriously.  He says “talk about being vulnerable” outloud.  Boy does he love open, vulnerable girls.  As they walk back to the fireplace, we see that Ben is wearing suspenders, but they’re off his shoulders and hanging around his butt.

Courtney wants a little positive reinforcement from Ben, but he doesn’t get the message.  He just sits there and nods and it gets a little awkward.  Courtney’s worried about the drama with the girls again, and she’s tearing up in confessional.  Yeah.  Not a good end to their date.  Ben takes the pictures and his little suspenders and saunters away down the hallway.

Ben’s nerves are getting the best of him.  They’re building faster than he’s ever felt before in his life.  I’ve never felt my nerves building, so I can’t really relate.

It’s the day of reckoning, and we get shots of the girls waking up and looking out at the surroundings.  They’re so good at pretending the camera isn’t there and that they wake up with a thoughtful, soulful look in their eye every morning, and walk straight to the curtains to gaze out and greet the day.

Ben wakes up and tells us he knows what he’s doing.  He’s made his mind up.  “If you can get through all of these hurdles, I feel like you can accomplish anything together”.  You go over hurdles, not through them.  Just saying.

Neil Lane, cheesy overly-tanned jewelry guy, shows up, and we’re supposed to care.  Ben picks out a ridiculous ring that’s completely covered in diamonds.  Well hey, if you’re gonna get a free engagement ring, you might as well go big.  Neil offers his heartfelt encouragement to Ben, who seems to care, and I wonder if this Neil Lane guy might actually think this whole Bachelor thing is like, totally normal.

Courtney’s ‘fit is ridiculous.  Long black leather gloves and a pale frock coat with arm holes.  Lindzi’s is even worse.  She’s got a green velvet cloak and looks prepared for a renaissance fair.

Shots of the girls in helicopters, Ben walking along in the Swiss countryside.  Both girls love him, and they’re both really scared, and we’re supposed to be wondering who he’s talking about and who he’s going to pick!  But we know!  It’s Courtney!

Ben can honestly say that this is the first time in his life that he feels like somebody loves him as much as he loves them.

Here comes helicopter number one, and Chris Harrison is there to greet the girl.  It’s Lindzi.  Big surprise.  Are we supposed to pretend we still don’t know this means she’s going home?  I guess so.  We have to listen to Lindzi talk about how this is the beginning of a lifetime of bliss with Ben.  Chris Harrison passes her off with an “OK Lindz.  Ben’s right over there”.  “Lindz?”  Seriously?

This is the moment girls dream of their whole life, says Lindzi.  Sorry honey, this isn’t the moment you dreamed of.

Lindzi starts talking, which is terrible because she’s only making this worse.  And then it hits her.  He says he’s nervous.  And he starts talking and says he saw herself with her in that moment.  

“I want you to know that I’ve fallen in love with you”, says Ben.  “But.  I need those moments to last a lifetime.  And I’ve found that with someone else.  And I’m sorry.  I’m in love with someone else.  I’m sorry”.

What a freaking shitshow.  what a terrible, terrible thing to put somebody through.  Ben walks Lindzi back to her helicopter.  This is awful.  And all for what?  So we can enjoy another public breakup?  Lindzi’s not letting this one go.  She’s mad at herself “for not giving you what you needed.  it kills me”.  Oh my god sweetheart.  It’s really not your fault.  “Good luck”, she says.  “And if things don’t work out.  call me?”.  Ohhhh boy you really didn’t need to say that.

Flying away in her helicopter, Lindzi says “he didn’t want me”.  “If he does really want to marry Courtney?  I would be totally shocked, and he would look like a total fool”.  She handles it pretty well.  Cries a little.  Wants to go home now.  Bye Lindzi.

Now Ben waits to propose to Courtney, and we’re supposed to wonder if she says yes.  Or even wonder if he’s going to propose.  I’m watching basketball right now.  Courtney says she’s a good person, and that good things happen to good people.  You’re right about the second thing Courtney.  Oh good, her friend Chris Harrison is there waiting for her.  Blake Griffin can’t believe he just got called for a foul.

Ben thinks Courtney looks pretty, but he’s probably a little scared of her gloves.  Rajon Rondo’s at the line, and he drills two free throws, which is great because he’s on my fantasy team.

Ben’s talking about Belize where he had a moment of past, present, and future, which means nothing really.  Then he says that she’s his forever.  That he’s in love with her “more than you’ll ever know”  Which also means nothing.   Paul Pierce is still getting it done.  Down on one knee goes Ben.  Courtney can hardly keep from crapping her pants.  She approves of the diamond.  Yes!  She’s obviously way more into the ring than the idea of being with Ben forever.  “Oh my Dad” and “I know, right?” both come out in rapid succession.

So who’s ready for another hour of this crap?

It’s time for “After the Final Rose”, and 30 seconds after shots of Courtney and Ben in love on a Swiss mountaintop, we’re getting psyched for the inside scoop on this relationship that has already fallen apart.  There’s no moment to enjoy what we maybe thought was a nice story, no time to reflect on this journey of love.  It’s on to more drama.  This relationship we created has already fallen apart, and it’s time to cash in, says ABC.

So we get Ben, then Courtney, then Ben and Courtney together.  But mostly we get Chris Harrison.  And the one takeaway from all of this is that Chris Harrison is sick.  He doesn’t give a shit about these people and the rougher it is for them, the more painful and deeply unsettling, the better.  Ben’s almost crying, Courtney’s definitely crying, and Chris Harrison sits back and maintains a tone of the helpful marriage counselor, while asking sick, probing, insensitive questions.

The story goes that Ben, upon seeing Courtney’s antics on the show, stopped talking to her for a while.  She supposedly tried to get a hold of him and do everything she could, but to no avail.  Some pictures came out of Ben hooking up with other girls, but those are apparently fabricated and untrue.  Neither of them really know where they stand right now, but both of them are willing to give it a try and optimistic that things will get better now that the TV show is over.

Chris refers to them as the most controversial couple in America, and says “It’s tough that I have to say ‘the most controversial couple’ in America”.  Do you have to Chris?  Says who?  ABC?  And is it really tough for you Chris?  Do you really care?  Fuck you, Chris Harrison.  Fuck you and your fake friendly demeanor.  Fuck you and your sick twisted network that puts people through this year after year after year.

Our three hours of misery finally come to a close with Ashley and JP, the couple still standing after last season of the Bachelorette.  Chris Harrison gets to be the happy-go-lucky nice guy again who’s so thrilled to see a young couple in love.  He’s practically their best friend and privy to all sorts of inside jokes.  He even offers to marry them, and they pretend to be really excited about this.

I’m drained, unhappy, and upset.  I feel bad for Ben and Courtney, and I feel gross for participating in this monstrosity of a television event.  I’m sorry to everybody that was encouraged to watch this show because of my blog, and I’m sorry for all the unkind things I said about any of the participants.  ABC’s The Bachelor is exploitative and wrong.  I hope a pair of contestants one day manage to bring it down.

Happy March everybody! It’s raining here in Sacramento, which is just what this town needs after an unseasonably warm February. This month’s calendar features an orange wristband I was given yesterday at the doctor’s office. Kaiser Permanente must have some creative designers on their team, because I had a hard time parting with this little guy. I went with the stripes approach and had fun with a Photoshop paintbrush on the rest.

March is going to be a heckuva month here on planet earth. Please enjoy to the fullest. But first, download this background for your desktop, available in the following sizes: 2560 x 1600, 1920 x 1200, 1680 x 1050, 1440 x 900, 1280 x 800

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We’re off to beautiful Switzerland this week. Ben and the ladies have been instructed to refer to it as “majestic”, and as Bachelor Ben flies in wearing a t-shirt, he reflects on the three remaining women.

Unlike previous weeks, this is a very big week. Somehow I hardly care. I’m still missing Kacie B.

Ben shows up for his first date, with Nicki, and looks ridiculous in an overly-sporty dark coat. Too many pockets, too cool looking for Mr. Bach. Nicki is incredibly excited to see Ben, and he maintains his normal cool. At this point one might think that it would be time for him to start opening up, that it would be ok for him to start making his feelings known to these poor girls, but he’s as nonchalant as ever.

Ben awaits Nicki in an overly sporty coat

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I’ve got an art show coming up next month in Sacramento.  Here are the details:

Gabriel Roberts: To New York and Back
March 8th – April 6th, 2012
Facebook Event

Red Dot Gallery
2331 J Street, Suite 101
Sacramento, CA 95864
reddotgalleryonj.com

Artist’s Reception
Thursday, March 8th
5:30pm – 8:00pm

2nd Saturday Art Showing
Saturday, March 10th
5pm – 9pm

If this all looks eerily familiar, that’s because this show was originally scheduled for December of 2011, but was postponed until now.

It’s time for hometown dates!  This week on The Bachelor, Ben F travels to the hometowns of Lindzi, Kacie B, Nicki, and Courtney.  He has dinner and a few heart-to-heart conversations at each stop, and each girl is convinced they have something special with this guy, who in the end makes a colossal mistake that may make me stop watching this garbage forever.

It begins with Lindzi, who rides up to meet Ben on a horse, just as she did on the very first night of the show.  Ben helps her down and they promptly begin cupcaking.

Ben and Lindzi are master cupcakers, and it persists throughout the entire afternoon as they tour Lindzi’s family estate.  They take a ride around the track in a buggy, with Ben driving.  Lindzi makes an insightful analogy about love: “Growing up, I was taught that if you fall off the horse, then you get back on the horse.  Being in love is the same way”.  Are these people trained to make inane comments like this?  Or perhaps they’re just so conditioned by watching the show to believe that this is normal.

After a blistering lap around the track, the two settle down on the grass for a little bottle of bubbly and some opening up.  Lindzi wants to take advantage of this time to really open up to Ben.  She was ready to marry her last boyfriend, thought that he was the one, only to get dumped.  Her parents saw her go through this, and it was really tough for them to.
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Happy Valentine’s day everyone! I hope you had wonderful experiences in your real life that were nothing like anything that happens on The Bachelor. I visited Ben’s hometown of Sonoma, hoping he could tell me all about the true meaning of love, but alas he was nowhere to be found.

In this week’s episode, Ben F. and his six ladies spend the week in Belize, and everything we’ve come to expect from this show occurs (helicopters, overcoming fears, opening up). While I’m starting to tire of the repetitive nature of this mess, I can’t stop watching it.

Chris Harrison explains “hometowns” to the women. Basically, next week, the four remaining ladies will take Ben to meet their families. Everybody will talk a lot about how important the family’s approval is, moms and brothers and sisters will instantly love Ben, dads will be standoffish at first, but after a man-to-man conversation they’ll give him their approval, and the moms will say something about how “they have a feeling” Ben and their daughter are going to end up together. I’m really not looking forward to these conversations, but I digress. This week there will be 3 one-on-ones and one group date. No roses on the one-on-ones, and at the end two girls will be sent home.

Lindzi gets the first date card, and Nikki is already crying because she didn’t get it. This is probably the earliest tearful confessional in Bachelor history—we’re less than 3 minutes into the first segment, and she’s not more than a couple hours into her first day in Belize.
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Bachelorpalooza 2012 lands in Panama City, which is in Panama.  The girls are all really excited and impressed by Ben: “So far Ben’s taken us to Los Angeles, Utah, Puerto Rico, and now Panama!”.  It seems the illusion that Ben is orchestrating and footing the bill for this whole extravaganza is alive and well.

As the girls squeakily tumble into their big plush suite, Courtney’s already getting excited about the possibility of skinny dipping again just by looking at the ocean and the pool.

Soon Ben pulls up to the hotel in an unnecessarily rugged and off-road ready jeep. The girls are waiting for him in the lobby, and Ben does his best Chris Harrison impression by delivering the first date card.  It’s for Kacie B, who is tackled and nearly strangled to death by Blakely, who really wanted the date card.

Kacie B and Ben are picked up in a yellow taxi cab.  Just kidding—it’s a helicopter.  The two are carted off to a small island, where they are stranded for about two hours on a sunny afternoon with a camera crew.
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