It’s time for hometown dates! This week on The Bachelor, Ben F travels to the hometowns of Lindzi, Kacie B, Nicki, and Courtney. He has dinner and a few heart-to-heart conversations at each stop, and each girl is convinced they have something special with this guy, who in the end makes a colossal mistake that may make me stop watching this garbage forever.
It begins with Lindzi, who rides up to meet Ben on a horse, just as she did on the very first night of the show. Ben helps her down and they promptly begin cupcaking.
Ben and Lindzi are master cupcakers, and it persists throughout the entire afternoon as they tour Lindzi’s family estate. They take a ride around the track in a buggy, with Ben driving. Lindzi makes an insightful analogy about love: “Growing up, I was taught that if you fall off the horse, then you get back on the horse. Being in love is the same way”. Are these people trained to make inane comments like this? Or perhaps they’re just so conditioned by watching the show to believe that this is normal.
After a blistering lap around the track, the two settle down on the grass for a little bottle of bubbly and some opening up. Lindzi wants to take advantage of this time to really open up to Ben. She was ready to marry her last boyfriend, thought that he was the one, only to get dumped. Her parents saw her go through this, and it was really tough for them to.
“you know i was wondering about that,” Ben says, because he’s thought through everything by now, but he’s “really glad that (Lindzi’s) walls are coming down”. Because that’s what she should do, damnit, as one of his four girlfriends: be completely vulnerable so that he can hurt her as much as possible.
Lindzi couldn’t agree more: “I finally feel vulnerable, and its a really great feeling”
Ben’s pleased: “Her telling me that she’s had some heartache… Lindzi is really opening up”
Lindzi wants to really drive this one home: “Being vulnerable… it’s a big word for me.. it feels good”.
Ben’s like a huge vulnerable guy: “yeah it does feel good”
let’s kiss.
Lindzi’s parents await the lovebirds on one of their expansive lawns with a couple of cute dogs and a bottle of chilled chardonnay. We see where Lindzi got her cutesy nature, as the parents talk to the dogs like children:
“Is that Lindzi? Is that Lindzi? Go get her! Go see Lindzi!”
The dogs are super cute, to be fair.
The four sit down to talk and everybody is so thrilled that Ben and Lindzi got to go to Sonoma, and that they had their first date in San Francisco. It turns out that Harry and Margie got married in City Hall—site of Ben and Lindzi’s first date! Lindzi has absolutely no idea, which strikes me as a little odd, and they all revel in the amazing coincidence that basically makes them one big happy family. I’m not sure if this is true, but I imagine that as they all let up a little cheer of joy, the two dogs joined in with happy woofs.
Next on the agenda is a two-on-two carriage race. Harry really hams it up for national TV, showing what a cool guy he is by stipulating that “trash-talking is encouraged” (hyuck hyuck hyuck), and that this is Ben’s chance to “really lay it on (him)”.
Off to the races they go, with Lindzi driving and Ben hanging off the back. Ben and Lindzi get smoked by “The old people” (Harry’s words) (hyuck hyuck hyuck), and they discover that the losers’ punishment is to pull the winners to dinner like a couple of little ponies. It’s unclear whether or not Ben and Lindzi will have to bed down with the slaves as well.
Now we get to listen to intimate one-on-one conversations. Lindzi tells her Mom that “I could see a forever future with Ben”. Is “forever future” a thing? Anybody?
Lindzi thinks that it’s “really important for my Mom to see what I see in Ben”. I have a question: What do you see in Ben, Lindzi?
Meanwhile, Ben sits down with Harry, and assures him that his “intentions are good”. Which is like saying “Listen Harry, I’m a nice guy”.
Harry wants them to work on a relationship, and doesn’t want Lindzi to be hurt.
Ben totally understands, which is why he wants to be open and honest. Boy was that a worthless conversation.
Finally we see the four of them roasting marshmallows over an open fire, and Ben reflects on his newfound friends, and how Harry will fill a void left in his life by his late father:
“My Dad was salt of the earth. I think Harry and Margie are salt of the earth”. Tough to say Ben, but you may be right.
Ben and Lindzi hug and cupcake a little before he leaves, speaking to eachother like babies and wiggling back and forth.
Ben thinks Lindzi is “humble, and grounded, and I LIKE that… Her opening up really leads me to believe that she wants this… I think I really may be falling in love with Lindzi”. Easy tiger, you’ve still got three girls to go.
Kacie B lives in Tennessee, and Ben is carted to the local baseball diamond where he is greeted by a highschool marching band. Kacie B marches in the back of the line, showing off some mad baton twirling skills. Ben sees her, smiles, and gives her the dopiest wave ever (to recreate, grow your hair out past your ears and part it in the middle like you’re in middle school, raise your left hand to the side of your head, smile like a little girl, and wiggle all four fingers like you’re tickling a kitten).
Kacie B's baton skills. Wow those girls on the right are BRAVE!
Kacie B’s closing baton twirl is pretty sweet, and then she and Ben take a seat up in the bleachers. Kacie tells Ben the amazing story of her grandparents and how, after her grandfather passed away, her grandma died from a broken heart. Ben listens, nods and says “uh huh” in a chipper way as if waiting for her to get to the punchline, so Kacie has to keep going. She describe in detail what that story means to her and what she feels like she’s learned from her family. Ben nods along as if she’s giving him directions to the freeway. Kacie rambles on a bit more, until finally she has nothing more to say. Ben realizes the story is over and so he says “great!”. This guy is so freaking oblivious some times it makes me sick.
They then shift to the subject of Kacie B’s parents, and upon learning that Kacie’s dad is a probation officer and doesn’t drink, Ben gets scared and he makes Kacie B console him like a little girl.
“Just be yourself” she says, which is very good advice, but Ben continues to whine: “It’s very important for Kacie B’s parents to accept me”. Really? Are you marrying this girl’s parents? Since when is a family’s approval such a deal-breaker? Aren’t we in the 21st century? Aren’t people free to marry whom they please? The approval of a family should be considered an added bonus—something that would be nice, but totally independent of your feelings for a mate or your desire to be married. But I digress.
Ben meets the family: Mommy, Daddy, and sister Allison who is kind of wonyonyon.
Kacie B tells us that she used to always do what other people wanted, but that now she’s doing what she wants. She says she really needs to talk to Allison, because she really values her input and needs some clarity. Their conversation goes something like this:
Kacie B: blahblahblah Mom and Dad had better accept him!
Allison: Uh –
Kacie B: Shutup I’m talking here! Blahblahblah.
Meanwhile, Ben sits down with Pops, where he learns that Pops is a little cautious and doesn’t want them to rush into marriage.
Ben nods along and totally agrees with everything Kacie B’s dad says.
Then the dad drops some truth: “If Kacie is not the one… I would hope that would be communicated to her sooner to keep her from getting hurt more”.
Ben’s conversation with Mommy is no friendlier: Mommy has some serious concerns. She doesn’t want Kacie to move in with Ben after the show. Ben pretends to be super stoked on this: “I’m glad that you have concerns.. because… it really makes me show that you know… know that you care”. That’s right, he says “it really makes me show”. Poor little guy is FREAKING OUT and hoping the night with these non-drinking Christians ends soon so he can go slam back a nice glass of Pinot.
Kacie B and Daddy sit down to talk, and Daddy is really concerned that she take things slowly and not rush into anything.
But Kacie B wants to get married, damnit, and her parents need to just go suck it. She complains (like a little girl) that her parents are treating her like a little girl, “you act like I haven’t thought any of this through!”, and generally acts like a headstrong teen who’s ready to run away from home.
Sensing her parents’ lack of complete approval, Kacie B thinks everything is going wrong now, and does nothing to reassure Ben. They have two minutes of alone time out in front of her home before he gets in the car and drives away. I’m screaming at the TV for Kacie B to say something, anything, to remind Ben that he’s not marrying her parents, that she loves him and wants to be with him, and that nothing else matters. Instead she lets the angst from inside spill outside and sweep Ben right off down the road.
Nicki in Fort Worth, Texas is next. She’s really into Ben: “This is the best man I’ve ever met”. Wow. They wander around town and try on boots and cowboy hats. They do cute things like turn their heads to kiss while each wearing really big hats.
Then they parade down the street in their new fits. Ben looks like a complete goober in his hat and boots, but he actually pulls it off rather confidently, because he knows he’s kind of a goober and he’s OK with it.
Ben seems really relieved to be drinking again, and after a couple of cold ones in a bar, they sit on a bench with a bottle of something else for some good old-fashioned opening up.
Nicki talks about her former marriage, and Ben listens as if it’s something incredibly boring and surface-level, responding from time to time with “yup!”, or “mm hmm”. Perhaps he’s not even really listening at all, which is fine by Nicki because it allows her to construct their imaginary relationship without interruption.
Tonight’s the most crucial moment so far, says Nicki in confessional. Right, because, again, approval from the family is a total must and a complete deal-breaker if it doesn’t come: “I wouldn’t be able to marry somebody they don’t approve of”.
Nicki is “extremely ready” for Ben to meet her family. I’m not sure if there is such a thing as extreme readiness, but I don’t like it one bit.
Ben meets the family, which consists of Mommy, Daddy, and younger brother. We know that the younger brother will come off as a complete overly approving tool, because younger brothers always do on this show.
They sit in the living room and Nicki shrieks about their amazing day buying western wear.
The brother has the first of his three lines: “you got a cowboy hat? that’s awesome!”
Nicki tells family that Ben “ probably said ‘I love Texas’ five times today”. “You’re wrong, it was 40”, says Ben.
Mommy and Nicki sit down on somebody’s bed to talk, and Mommy is just so happy for her. They shriek and bounce up and down on the bed a little bit.
Daddy and Nicki sit down in the living room and have by far the finest conversation of this episode:
Nicki: I didn’t think this would happen (falling in love with Ben)
Daddy: It appears you and Ben are doing everything you can to find out about eachother.
I may have given your hand too easily (when Nicki got married the first time)
(tearing up) I just have such complete faith in your judgement.. I maybe could have asked more questions, I’m sorry I didn’t protect you.
Nicki: No, it’s completely on me, I should have seen things more clearly
Daddy: Sometimes it’s so hard to let you fly.
This was really sweet, and I really like Nicki’s Dad. He’s a dear guy who loves his daughter and wants her to find her own way to happiness.
At dinner, Dad offers a very heartfelt, honest, and loving toast, offering his full support to Ben and Nicki.
“Ben’s a fine young man”, he says, and the brother gets his second bit in the episode: a dorky little smile.
After dinner, Nicki and Ben get a little time on somebody’s bed where Nicki tells him that she loves him, and that she didn’t want to not tell him how she felt and regret it.
Back downstairs, brother gets his third bit on the show: “I actually like the guy”. Good job, brother.
Nicki tells Ben “I just had the best day of my life. After today, I’m in love with you.” Ben is apparently prohibited from reciprocating in any way, and instead raises his eyebrows and says “Wow!”.
When it’s time to say goodbye, Brother gets his final moment: “Bro hug!” he says to Ben. *smack* *smack* goes the bro hug. All in all a very strong performance from Nicki and family.
Finally we’re on to Courtney’s hometown of Scottsdale Arizona, where ABC’s “Courtney’s-actually-a-real-person-with-real-feelings-and-not-a-soulless-bitch” project kicks off.
We see Courtney feeling relaxed and at-home, and thinking she “feels bad for treating the girls as badly as I did”, and that she “said some things (she’s) not proud of”.
Poor, sweet Courtney has never “been with a guy that hasn’t ended up hurting me or letting me down” (this, of course, has absolutely nothing to do with Courtney and the type of experience she has created for herself) “But Ben’s different.” Oh good.
Ben meets the family, and Courtney’s Dad introduces himself as “Rick Roberts”, at which point a cold shiver runs down my spine as I realize there’s a chance I’m related to these weirdos.
They sit down at the table and Courtney starts talking about Ben like he isn’t there: “He’s amazing, and I’m excited for you guys to meet him, and I like him alot, and he’s so smart and funny, and I mean…”. This oddity seems completely lost on Ben, who is thinking “I’m dating a model! This chick is way hotter than any of my bros’ girlfriends! Man everybody is going to be so jealous!”
Courtney’s Mom is really scary looking, and we now know where Courtney gets the weird mouth. Apparently Mom has always been right, and Courtney has agreed to listen to her advice from now on.
Courtney and her sister step aside and have a totally worthless conversation: “We went skinny dipping!!” After meeting Ben and listening to Courtney talk about him for two minutes, sis thinks Ben’s great.
Outside, Ben and Rick are enjoying a glass of white wine on the lawn.
“This house… my wife and my daughters.. this is who we are”, says Rick, which is an incredibly poginant and meaningful statement to Ben.
Inside, Courtney sits down with her Mom and tells her that she looks “so pretty”, which is no doubt a daily requirement to make Mommy feel good about the thousands of dollars she’s spent on plastic surgery. Mommy has had a LOT of work done, and you can tell from the side, which is really frightening.
Mommy likes Ben, to which Courtney says “thanks mom” like a little baby.
Back at the table, Courtney continues to talk about Ben like he’s not there “what do you think of my guy?”.
That’s about it for this chapter, and soon Courtney and Ben are off for a picnic. Let’s note that all of the other girls had a brief bit of one-on-one time with Ben before meeting their parents, and then had to salvage a quick goodbye before he left. Courtney, for some reason, is treated to the much more favorable reverse scenario.
They sit down in some park where Courtney has staged a fake wedding. As she suggests that the two of them walk over and check it out, it begins to dawn on Ben what’s happening, and he looks like he’s on an episode of “Punk’d”.
They sit in the empty chairs and Courtney puts a little bowtie on Ben, then pulls out a pair of notebooks for them to write their vows. In confessional, Courtney is suddenly a perfect little angel with a tender heart of gold.
Somehow ABC finds a fake pastor for the fake wedding, and the two stand in front of him to read their fake vows.
Ben’s vows aren’t really vows, but they’re very nicely written, and we see just how smitten this little kitten of a man really is.
Courtney’s vows are actually vows. As she reads them, she twitches vigorously from side to side like a little girl. “I want you to know that… I’m in love with you,” she says softly and in a hurry. I want to put my hands on her shoulders and say “hold still and look at me when you’re talking please”.
At this point I realize that I really don’t like Courtney. I’m sorry, Courtney. I’m sure that, like all mankind, you’re a beautiful person in your own way, but I dislike your little smirks and twitches and the way you says things under your breath like a little child, like “yay!”. I don’t like how you dress, I don’t like how you walk, and I don’t like that you got a better date out of this than any of the other girls. Oh well.
Back to Los Angeles we go, and I’m hoping that we can avoid another meaningless conversation with Chris Harrison, but sure enough there he sits beside Ben and we’re in for a mind-numbing review of this week.
Ben is getting way too good at these conversations, sounding exactly like every Bachelor that has come before him. Together, he and his old buddy Chris break down every date, and we actually see replays of footage we just watched an hour ago, which is great for people that only tuned in for the second half or suffer from severe short-term memory issues.
Kacie B and family “literally rolled out the red carpet for you with the whole marching band”, says Chris. There was no red carpet, Chris Harrison, so no, they did not literally roll out the red carpet for Ben. Idiot.
After consulting the framed photographs of the four remaining females for a moment, Ben is sure of his decision. I hope, for all of these girls’ sake, that Ben’s decision did not actually come down to looking at their pictures one more time.
Chris Harrison then treats the assembled ladies to a little review. “Let’s pretend we’re all friends,” he seems to say, “and that you didn’t all get dressed up and fly across the country just to get sent right back home”.
Ben thanks them all for being open, and then passes out roses to Courtney, Lindzi, and Nicki.
Down goes Kacie B, and I start to think terrible thoughts of what I’m going to do to Ben F.
Sobbing in the car, Kacie B wonders why she’s not good enough. “I loved him and now I don’t know what to do” “what the fuck happened?”.
Ben got spooked by your folks, Kacie B. That’s what happened. He forgot about your amazing connection because he sensed how worked up you were by your parents’ lack of approval, and he decided to just run the other way. I’m sorry Kacie, I really am. I think you’re a sweetheart and I think you and Ben would make a fine couple, but you really blew it with the hometown date, and Ben’s too much of a boy to get past something like a pair of disapproving adults who don’t enjoy a big bold cab with their steak.
After walking Kacie B out and offering zilcho in the way of explanation, Ben returns to his remaining three girls and informs them that they’re headed to Switzerland. I hardly care anymore. Awards, I guess.
MARF: I don’t care. Nicki, I guess.
Ben’s Best Line: Ben is a tool
Ben’s Biggest Mistake: Sending Kacie B. home, obviously. Being such a tool.
The ‘Fit that Didn’t Fit: Courtney’s stupid white dress and stupid brown boots. Honorable mention to Nicki’s cocktail dress that made her look extremely wide.
Pole Position: Freaking Courtney.
next week: helicopters, views, scary things, naked hottubbing, Ben wearing a bowtie, and courtney facing the music. Intriguingly, a big surprise that makes Ben say a bad word. Let’s hope it’s the return of Kacie B.
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