Today I heard a really funny story from a friend, and I’d like to share it with you all.  My friend actually wrote the entire thing out for me, and I hope you enjoy!

“I’ve begun morning yoga in the drawing studio here at the school of art.  I didn’t bring a mat with me, but after using nothing but a towel for the first couple of days, I’ve been joined by a friend who has two mats, and yoga has gotten much better.  But I really wanted a mat of my own, and I knew just where to get one.

Up the hill from our dormitories is a small gym that I used to frequent two summers ago for the occasional workout.  I remembered a stack of yoga mats and I set my mind to borrowing one for the summer.

There’s only one way into the gym, and the walkway is guarded by a green-shirted staffer wielding a laser gun to scan your gate pass.  Getting in was no problem, of course, thanks to my gate pass.  I smiled at the attendant, he scanned my card, and I made my way inside, down the hall, and into the gym.  I signed in at the clipboard, smiled at the guys working the desk, and headed in to the main weight room.  I cast about a bit, not really wanting to be at the gym but having decided to get in something of a workout before making off with the yoga mat.  Eventually I planted myself on an exercise bike and began a fifteen minute ‘heartrate’ workout.  I chose level 12 (out of 20), but quickly ratcheted down to eight.  I looked around at the scattering of bros lifting weights to my left and the white-haired man shooting hoops to my right and thought about how hot and stuffy it was in the gym and how if my bike were fixed I could be outside doing the same thing.

After five minutes I shut off the bike and headed for a corner near the yoga mats.  I selected a rather frumpy-looking blue one, unfurled it on the hardwood and began my little core routine.  For awhile I forgot completely about my mission, but as the heat continued to build I decided to get some water and conduct some reconnaissance.  I could avoid the front desk easily enough, as there was an exit from the weight room directly to the hall, but getting by the attendant I’d passed on the way in wouldn’t be so simple.  Granted, he probably wouldn’t remember whether or not I’d come in with a mat, but I was hoping to find a better way out.  I stepped into the hall for some water and to my right I saw a man exiting to the outdoors.  Amazing!  No attendant, just a clear path out to freedom.  I smiled to myself at how easy this would be.

After a few more exercises I returned my towel, carefully rolled up my new mat, considered exchanging it for a fresher one but decided not to push my luck and headed for the hall.  I glided right past the front desk and out into the warm evening, following the fence as it curved.  But the fence kept going and all of a sudden I realized it led off the grounds, and that the only way back in would be through another gate with another attendant who would probably see me leaving the gym and wonder why in the world I wanted to take this particular route back into the grounds.  I slowly turned around and headed back for the gym, contemplating my next move.  Fortunately, inspiration struck and I planted the yoga  mat up against the fence behind a shrub so that I could reach it from the other side.  I could exit the gym the way I’d come in and simply loop back around to grab the mat.

I took two steps for the door when I heard the loud ‘slap’ of the mat falling to the concrete.  I jumped a little and hurriedly replaced it behind the shrub, hoping nobody had seen me.

I strode out of the gym, eyeing the attendant as I passed and feeling relieved not to be carrying the yoga mat.  I imagined him watching me from behind and waited until I’d gone downhill far enough so as to be out of his line of sight and then cut right sharply and circled back around the side of the gym.  I approached the mat a bit apprehensively, but seeing it propped up against the fence just as I left it, I walked straight to it, bent down and grabbed hold of the end.  I looked up and into the corridor leading to the exit and as I began to pull the mat through the fence a gym staffer in a neon green t-shirt came striding down the hall towards me.  I freaked out.  Not knowing what to do, I dropped the mat and looked at it inquisitively, said ‘what the fuck?’ softly and then quickly turned and walked away down the hill.  I pulled out my phone and pretended to be texting and hoped the guy wasn’t watching me from behind.

I reached the bottom of the hill feeling like an idiot.  What the hell was I doing?  Am I seriously trying to pull some yoga mat heist at my age when a new mat can be purchased for less than $10?  I felt like I was in high school smoking weed in the park and running from the rangers (real and imagined).  But then the reality of the situation set in: Yoga mats were not readily available on the Chautauqua grounds.  The bookstore may have some for sale but they’re sure to be hugely overpriced and I’m not about to spend $30 on a yoga mat I won’t even be able to take home.  I really like doing yoga in the morning and I’d like to have an extra mat in case somebody else wants to join.  And there, a couple hundred yards away from me, is a perfectly good mat.

So I headed back up the hill, approaching with more purpose this time and there it was leaning just as I’d left it.  The guy who’d spooked me had either not seen what I was doing, not cared, or was not actually an employee at the gym.  I grabbed hold of the mat, yanked it violently through the fence poles, and quickly strode down the hill, pulling out my cellphone and composing another fake text message.”

I sure do hope my friend enjoys saluting the sun on his new blue mat.