A Pessimist’s Guide to Going Out

You will expend a massive amount of energy tonight.  You will lose the very best, most important, restorative hours of sleep – 10pm-3am.  Keep this thought in the back of your mind.  Put some music on, and try to get excited.  Maybe “I got a feeling” by the Black Eyed Peas.  Pick out some clothes, check yourself out in the mirror, mess with your hair a little bit.  Practice your dance moves, think about all the awkward moments you’ve had in nightclubs.  Change your shirt.  Go get your newest, coolest shirt.  Put on your new shoes.  Think about how these clothes will be subjected to sweat, glass-covered floors, and flying goblets of beer.  Have a beer or something.  You’re drinking tonight, so best to get started.

Arrange to meet some friends at a bar.  The bar should be too far to walk, and off of the main muni lines.  Set off walking to the muni station, noticing all the people already having a good time on a Saturday night.  Think about how you must look to them.  Do you look confident?  Does your hair look good?  Muni ticket is $2, connecting cab ride is $7.  Start counting.

Push your way up to the bar, examine the beers on tap.  Try to make some small talk with the people around you.  The beer is $5, leave a dollar bill for the bartender if he brings you the drink promptly.  Leave a dollar bill if it takes 10 minutes and she gives you a dirty look.  Work your way back to an overcrowded table and drink your beer quickly so that you can repeat the comfortable and well-respected ritual of going to get another drink.

Choose somewhere with a really long line.  Pull out your phone regularly while in line and check the time.  Think about how you could be sleeping right now, and what you could be accomplishing tomorrow morning.  Listen to the beat of the music from inside, and as you reach the front of the line, note the smell of booze and sweat seeping out from the club.  Show the man your ID, pay a $5 – $10 cover, get an ugly stamp on your wrist.  Once inside, immediately start bobbing your head to the music while the rest of your friends trickle in, then force your way to the bar.  Alternately lean inwards to get the attention of the bartender, and outwards to contribute something of value to the conversation.  Don’t look tired.  Buy the first round – maybe some tequila shots, for $26.  Leave a nice tip, smile and get excited about the tequila.  After the shot, pause for a moment before putting the lime in your mouth to prove your manliness.  Concur that it’s a good idea to go dance, and sidle through the crowd to the dance floor.  Pretend like you have more energy than you do, and smile at all the girls.  But just a little – too much and they’ll think you’re creepy.  Act confident, damnit.  If necessary, dance with your bros.  Find a spot near some girls so that they can see you, but don’t approach them directly.  Once you’ve exhausted your repertoire of moves, excuse yourself and go to the bathroom.  Wait in another line, try not to step on the glass or in the puddles of urine, look at yourself in the mirror and psyche yourself up for another foray.  Repeat until the club closes.

Mill about a bit outside the club.  Make your way towards a nearby late-night pizza place and wait in line some more.  Your ears will most likely be ringing, so think about the long-term hearing damage you’ve probably just incurred.  Throw down $5 on a greasy slice of supreme pizza.  Smash the pizza and drink water from a tiny plastic cup.  Look for a cab.  Set up strategic positions, wait some more, check your cell phone again and estimate the exact time you’ll actually get to sleep.  Take the cab home in silence, review your night with some remorse.  Pay the $12 fare, tip the cabbie nicely.  Make your way into your room, look at the clock, the stains on your shoes and the stains on your shirt.  Get undressed and, if you have an ex, think about them.  As you go to sleep, imagine how lousy you’ll feel in the morning, and make drastic resolutions about the future.