Until recently, I thought the coronavirus was a hoax. I wasn’t convinced of a global pandemic or even the existence of this never-before-seen virus. The numbers and images that were supposed to be frightening seemed insignificant and inconclusive. I thought that everybody was overreacting, and I went so far as to suggest as much on Facebook. I was corrected quickly and firmly by friends and family with firsthand experience with the virus—many of whom I haven’t interacted with in years. My perspective shifted dramatically, and with some further reading about the virus itself, its origins and capabilities, I came away legitimately frightened. I’m incredibly grateful to be in a low-risk group, and to live in rural Vermont where the virus hasn’t quite taken off. I’ve started wearing a mask when entering stores; while I may not feel it makes much of a difference for my health, I understand its importance to others, and that there are better ways to express my thoughts on the current state of the world than by broadcasting the fact that I’m not afraid.

My thoughts on the state of the world are many. They come on me when I wake up in the middle of the night, and often when I first get up in the morning. They lead me to my computer and the internet, and they multiply. They make me feel sad, angry, and confused. The following is an effort to organize my thoughts at this point, at the peak of the virus’ destruction. I should warn you that I am a conspiracy theorist. I’ve rejected the label for years, but I now understand that to believe something other than the mainstream narrative means you’re probably a conspiracy theorist, so yes, I am definitely a conspiracy theorist, and I understand if you want to stop reading now.

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