Walgreens, the drugstore mega-chain, has a new slogan that’s printed on all their plastic bags. It reads: “Walgreens: There’s a way”. This is perhaps the stupidest slogan I’ve ever seen, and it makes me a little bit sick. Here’s why.

Image of a plastic bag imprinted with Walgreens' Slogan: "Walgreens: There's a way"

Walgreens is not the answer to my problems. Walgreens does not help me overcome obstacles in my life. Walgreens is not who I turn to in times of great need.

Walgreens is where I buy my deodorant, floss, and contact solution. Walgreens is where I buy a pack of gum so that I can get $40 cash back. Walgreens is where I go when I need something specific, like garbage bags.

I don’t sit around mulling over complex issues with seemingly no solution until suddenly exclaiming “I’ve got it! Walgreens! There is a way! Why didn’t I think of this before?!?!”, and running madly to the nearest Walgreens.

There is nothing I can get at Walgreens that I cannot get at any other drug store. Walgreens is not special. I feel nothing for Walgreens, because Walgreens is a corporation, and all of their stores are exactly the same. In fact, they’re awfully similar to every Rite Aid and CVS pharmacy I’ve ever seen too.

I resent Walgreens’ effort to establish some sort of an emotional connection with me. This slogan, I suppose, is intended to make me think of Walgreens as something more than just a store, as a solution to life’s big problems, as the inspirational “you can do it” presence in my life that doesn’t allow me to just give up, that sticks by my side until the problem is solved.

Sorry Walgreens, but you’ll never be anything more than a store to me. I will never feel strongly about you, and I will never choose you over any other drug store.

Please consider changing your poorly-fitting slogan to one of the following:

Walgreens: Credit Cards Accepted, No Minimum Purchase Required

Walgreens: Toiletries, Plastic Bags, and Some Snacks

Walgreens: You Can Probably Find Something You Need For Less Than Three Dollars and Get Cash Back

Walgreens: Sometimes We Have Really Cheap Beer

Walgreens: Our Bathrooms Are Nicer Than Your Average Gas Station

Walgreens: You Probably Won’t Run Into Anybody That You Know Here

Walgreens: We’ll Put Everything in a Plastic Bag Even if it’s a Single Pack of Gum

These are just a few ideas that came to me this morning and are far more appropriate than Walgreens’ current slogan. They may not be as exciting, but they’re certainly fitting, and they don’t try to make this store into something it isn’t: more than just a store.