The Bachelor Season 16 Episode 9: Ben Rocks a Ridiculous Pea Coat, Switzerland is Beautiful

We’re off to beautiful Switzerland this week. Ben and the ladies have been instructed to refer to it as “majestic”, and as Bachelor Ben flies in wearing a t-shirt, he reflects on the three remaining women.

Unlike previous weeks, this is a very big week. Somehow I hardly care. I’m still missing Kacie B.

Ben shows up for his first date, with Nicki, and looks ridiculous in an overly-sporty dark coat. Too many pockets, too cool looking for Mr. Bach. Nicki is incredibly excited to see Ben, and he maintains his normal cool. At this point one might think that it would be time for him to start opening up, that it would be ok for him to start making his feelings known to these poor girls, but he’s as nonchalant as ever.

Nicki tries to figure out what the date’s going to be, and Ben stalls a bit so that when a helicopter comes cruising in to pick them up, it’s a huge surprise. Nicki seems genuinely surprised. How in God’s name she wouldn’t expect this by now, I have no idea.

As they take a marvelously beautiful and exciting ride in the red helicopter, we’re treated to an endless stream of relationship metaphors from our contestants (“my relationship with Nicki is getting to new heights!”, “Relationships can be a wild ride”, etc.), who by now have lost their identities completely, transformed into the prototypical male and female Bachelor contestants.

Nicki is so impressed with the way Ben didn’t throw up in the helicopter: “The way he’s capable of making me feel safe in any circumstance is something I admire about him”.

They land on the top of a ridge somewhere in the Alps, and wow what a view. Nicki has decided to take the approach of cramming herself down Ben’s throat: laugh at everything he says, tell him how much you love him, pretend his hair looks good, etc.

They share some inane conversation:

Nicki: I’m so happy with where we are and where it’s going… it’s a good feeling.
Ben: It is a good feeling
Nicki: It is a good feeling
Ben: Right?

The helicopter picks them up and then drops them off on another peak so that they can further explore metaphors for their relationship: “The view goes on forever.. which can be compared to our relationship… but then there’s the cliff, which can be compared to our relationship and how it can end abruptly”. It’s almost painful to write this.

Dinner is in a log cabin. “It’s literally a log cabin!” says Nicki. “Right?” says Ben.

Time for more serious discussion, like how many kids do you want? Ben comes from a small family, and wants four—but the more the merrier. Nicki wants two, but four or more is TOTALLY cool with her. Clamoring to cram herself down Ben’s throat, she immediately changes the subject so that he forgets how he wants twice as many kids as she does.

After this scintillating conversation:

Ben: “I love our conversations”
Nicki: “me too!”

Ben busts out the ubiquitous Chris Harrison fantasy suite card. It’s worded exactly the same as it always is, (you and you, welcome to the descriptor city of wherever, should you choose to forgo your individual rooms, please use this key to stay at the fantasy suite. -Chris).

Ben looks at Nicki expectantly, and she does her best not to scream out “I want you to f*** me and make me pregnant with your babies!!!” and accept the invitation in a ladylike manner.

Ben, who has apparently thoroughly explored the fantasy suite, gives Nicki a tour, but before they can jump in the massive jacuzzi, we get some more conversation.

Earlier, when discussing Nicki’s family, Ben mentions that her dad sort of reminds him of his dad, who is now dead.

Nicki was really really touched by this, although she can’t explain why: “I took that to heart to the…. to the infinite level”. WOW! The infinite level Ben! There is no greater level to which she could have taken that to heart!! Are you not impressed?!?!? ARE YOU NOT IMPRESSED?!?!

Finally they jump in the hottub where all the bubbles and warmth make it way easier for Nicki to cram herself down Ben’s throat.

It’s time for Lindzi. Ben is wearing a hooded sweatshirt when they meet, and this is a much better look for him. I know this is going to come as a huge shock to you all, but the date involves doing something scary together: repelling off of a cliff.

As the two reach the top of a ravine and approach the edge, Lindzi is freaking out: “ooooohhh my god. oh my god. im shaking.”

They walk up to the swiss mountain man and Lindzi asks a very astute question:

“We’re just repelling, right? We’re not jumping”.

To which the mountain man offers a fantastic response: “whatever you want”.

In the end, they decide to repel instead of committing suicide together, and Ben is just as freaked out as Lindzi. Oddly enough, Lindzi finds this reassuring: “The fact that Ben is also scared just makes me a little more at-ease with it”. What do you wanna bet that if Ben weren’t scared at all, Lindzi would also find this reassuring?

Now we get—you guessed it—some metaphors about relationship. I won’t even bother quoting our heros here, because you’ve heard it all before.

It turns out that they’re not repelling at all—instead the Swiss mountaineers lower them slowly 300 ft. to the ground. Even for “The Bachelor”, this is incredibly boring.

As they near the ground, Ben says “oh my dad” “oh my dad”. Right, because his dad died and that puts him on the same level as God.

Lindzi says that it “feels great to have conquered my fear with Ben”, which is exactly what she said after the two of them jumped out of a helicopter two weeks ago. Apparently her fear isn’t totally licked yet!

Into the hottub for some cupcaking!

To the hotel for a fancy dinner! Ben is wearing a bowtie, which, like the hooded sweatshirt, is a very appropriate look for him.

Lindzi’s in love and we’re waiting for the big moment of her telling him that she loves him. Ben feels like “Lindzi’s been really open with me these days”.

Lindzi thinks that one needs “old-fashioned, hardcore heartbreak to really know what true love is”. She’s obviously referring to being dumped via text message. If there is such a thing as newfangled heartbreak, I would think that this would be it, but I now I’m just being picky.

The only way to come out of this is to be completely open with Ben, says Lindzi. So here it is: the moment we’ve all been waiting for.

“I really like you, and i’m falling in love with you”

Ben gets really excited like he’s just won a ticket to a Jason Mraz concert, and eagerly busts out the overnight date card to cash in on his good fortune.

Lindzi contains herself only slightly better than Nicki in accepting the overnight invitation that is worded exactly the same as all the others.

She pulls out an old-fashioned key from the envelope, which I guarantee opens absolutely nothing:
“Great key!”
“Right?” says Ben in his endearing questioning manner, “The key to my heart”. Didn’t need to say that one buddy. Diiiidn’t need to say that.

They enter the fantasy suite:
“Hello! This is amazing!”, says Lindzi
“Right?” asks Ben to nobody in particular.

Kissing on the balcony, Lindzi is incredibly grateful to Ben for organizing this whole trip and throwing down his own money on this extravagant fantasy suite—all for her!!

“Thank you!”, she says.
“You’re welcome!” says Ben.

In confessional, Ben can hardly contain himself: “Lindzi’s taking risks! She’s open and vulnerable! She’s the most vulnerable I’ve ever seen her!”. Oh good. Now you can sleep with her and break her heart waaaay worse than it has ever been broken before!

Finally it’s Courtney’s turn. Ben has apparently become more European over the course of the week, and he awaits her in a ridiculous camel-colored double-breasted pea coat, which is decidedly not the appropriate dress for our Bachelor. You see, Ben’s a simple guy, and looks best in simple clothes. Nothing fitted, tailored, or flashy. Sweats, jeans, maybe the occasional bowtie. No expensive light-colored European coats. Courtney, as a model, knows this better than anybody and she tries to keep from laughing at Ben’s fit: “you look cute” she says with a smile.

“I have a very “swiss” date planned”, says Ben. Right, because you know what that means Ben.

They’re going to have a picnic, but they’re going to actually buy the ingredients themselves, or, more accurately, they’re going to pick out the ingredients themselves, and allow ABC to buy them.

They’re both really excited at this prospect. After a few weeks on the show, they fully consider themselves celebrities, and they imagine this quaint food-shopping escapade will show up in next week’s “Us”, right next to Ben and Jen buying froyo.

They board a train and ride through the stunningly beautiful Swiss countryside. Courtney is tickled by the “cute train” and the quaint little towns full of actual little Swiss people.

Their picnic takes place on some green grass beside grazing cows. Ben teaches Courtney how to play “hey cow”: yell “hey cow” as loud as you can at a cow, and if it looks up at you, you win. Courtney loses.

Next is an uncomfortable discussion about the other girls and what a bitch Courtney was. Courtney doesn’t explain herself well, and there’s an awkward silence where Ben swirls the wine in his glass and Courtney rubs his knee. In confessional, she starts to self-destruct. Apparently she’s a real person now with feelings, and she’s devastated to think that her actions might have hurt Ben. Still no concern for the other girls’ feelings, but hey we’ve forgotten about them by now, right?

Dinner is down in a wine cellar, and Courtney needs to do some damage control from earlier. She begins to tell Ben that she “maybe could have handled things differently”, and I notice something else I dislike about this woman: she touches her face and hair waaaay too much.

After saying that she could have handled things differently, Ben is totally satisfied and eager to get back to chasing Courtney. There’s an overnight date card, and, surprisingly Courtney accepts. Hooray for fantasy suites!

I’m loathe to even give credence to the next segment of this week’s Bachelor, but it was so horrifying I feel I must: We meet Emily, the next Bachelorette, and she spends an afternoon in LA with Ali and Aschely, our two most recent Bachelorettes. I’m reminded of how much I dislike Aschely and her stupid hand gestures, and I really wish that Ali would move on with her life.

The sight of these three annoying girls getting made up and treated like actual celebrities is just about enough to make me puke.

Despite likely never having met Ali, Emily is really eager to get advice from her “good friends in LA” about how to be the Bachelorette. Apparently this involves wearing lots of makeup and expensive jewelry and pretending that you’re a celebrity. Emily’s a natural!

 

We get a nice plug for Titanic in 3d, which is not a new movie but is about to make an enormous sum of money in the theaters. The girls compare what’s happening in the movie to what happened in their lives on the show, which reminds us all of how absurd this show is.

Emily is really concerned that she won’t find love, and we’re all supposed to feel sorry for her and fall in love with this little Southern Belle.

Let me tell you a little something about Emily: She had a great guy. His name was Brad Womack and he really loved her. He loved her and her daughter, and he wanted to care for Emily, who he referred to as his “one and only”. After watching her and Brad’s season of “The Bachelor”, which she “won”, Emily was upset to see Brad had an overnight date with runner-up Chantal O. Despite the fact that every Bachelor and Bachelorette before had gone on overnight dates with the runners-up, and despite the fact that Brad chose her and proposed marriage, Emily began their relationship with Brad firmly banished to the doghouse.

Weeks and weeks of conversation and endless apologies and promises from Brad could not get him out of the doghouse or convince Emily to bring her daughter and join Brad in his home of Austin, TX. Shockingly, all of this made Brad upset, which turned into Brad having “anger issues” and being a big scary monster who abused poor sweet little Emily. Please. Anybody who watched the show knows that Brad is a kind man, a gentle soul, and somebody who would do anything for Emily. She just wasn’t ready for a real man like him, and poor Brad was left empty-handed again. But let’s all pretend that Emily is the victim and be really excited for her chance to find love America!

Back to the Bachelor. Kacie B shows up at Ben’s hotel room in Switzerland looking for answers. She wants to know why Ben let her go. Ben has trouble making eye contact, and is none too happy to have to explain himself, but in the end does a fairly good job telling her that her family scared him off.

Kacie B says she wished she’d talked to Ben after her hometown date (duh), says the whole moving in together thing is a decision that she has to make (duh), and that she respects her parents but in the end she does what makes her happy (duh again). All of this should have been said last week, because now it’s too late.

Realizing that Ben’s not going to ask her back, Kacie B decides to throw Courtney under the bus, saying she’s afraid Ben will end up heartbroken if he chooses her. This is incredibly poor form from Kacie B, and Ben is obviously distraught and unsettled.

 

Good thing his good buddy Chris Harrison is here to straighten everything out! They sit down and talk, and Ben recounts Kacie B’s arrival as if Chris Harrison has no idea what happened and isn’t the all-seeing puppet-master controlling this entire show.

Ben’s confused and cloudy. After hearing what Kacie B had to say about Courtney, he’s questioning the whole thing.

Chris Harrison clears it all up for him: “It seems like there’s legitimate confusion of the decision. But you had three incredible dates this week.” Thanks Chris. Poor Ben is on edge and doesn’t know what to do, and we’re supposed to believe that Courtney might be going home, which is preposterous but thanks for trying to make it interesting ABC.

The rose ceremony is punctuated by ominous chimes from a mysterious churchbell, like after Ben makes his opening spiel and in between the two roses.

 

Lindzi gets rose number one.

We all give thanks that Chris Harrison doesn’t come back out to tell us that it’s the final rose of the evening.

The church bell chimes again.

Courtney gets rose number two. Nicki goes home. This is sad for Nicki, who really did everything she could to cram herself down Ben’s throat. Apparently that’s not always the best strategy.

Ben tells Nicki that he started to have doubts, but that he enjoyed every moment he spent with her. This is actually much better than his previous goodbye speeches, and he says something nice about how she “deserve(s) everything”.

Let’s pass out some awards.

MARF: It pains me to say this, but Courtney is now the most attractive remaining female. Not by much, mind you.

Ben’s Best Line: Walking into dinner at the log cabin with Nicki, he reaches down to the little table and says “here let me get your stump for you”.

Ben’s Biggest Mistake: The camel Pea coat

The ‘Fit that Didn’t Fit: Nicki brings home this award thanks to her cocktail dress—a shapeless off-white number that barely supported a massive broach. The dress and broach remind me of Phoebe Buffet of Friends, who attempts to hide a large red stain on her dress with an even larger holiday pin.

Pole Position: Courtney. Game, set, and match. Looking forward to watching this fall apart.

Next Week: A reunion show you won’t wanna miss! I most likely will not be writing a review of this nonsense. See you in two weeks for the season finale.