Bachelorpalooza 2012 lands in Panama City, which is in Panama. The girls are all really excited and impressed by Ben: “So far Ben’s taken us to Los Angeles, Utah, Puerto Rico, and now Panama!”. It seems the illusion that Ben is orchestrating and footing the bill for this whole extravaganza is alive and well.
As the girls squeakily tumble into their big plush suite, Courtney’s already getting excited about the possibility of skinny dipping again just by looking at the ocean and the pool.
Soon Ben pulls up to the hotel in an unnecessarily rugged and off-road ready jeep. The girls are waiting for him in the lobby, and Ben does his best Chris Harrison impression by delivering the first date card. It’s for Kacie B, who is tackled and nearly strangled to death by Blakely, who really wanted the date card.
Kacie B and Ben are picked up in a yellow taxi cab. Just kidding—it’s a helicopter. The two are carted off to a small island, where they are stranded for about two hours on a sunny afternoon with a camera crew.
Ben’s fear is that they’ll run out of things to talk about.
Kacie was instructed to pack three things. She chooses a green stuffed monkey, which Ben apparently recognizes as “Mr. Monkey”, a corkscrew, and a bag of candy.
Ben’s very pleased with Kacie B’s contributions, to which he adds a machete, a fishing net, and matches. Together they pretend they’re on Survivor—hacking away at coconuts and splashing around in the shallows with the fishing net. Kacie B can barely contain herself watching Ben ineffectively whack away at a coconut with the machete. Ben is no Bear Grylls, but they do catch a tiny little fish and cook it over a small fire. There is much talk about relationships and teamwork. In case you were unaware, relationships require teamwork and coorperation and sometimes it’s really just about survival!
They’re picked up by the helicopter a few hours later, and leaving their belongings and garbage on the beach, they fly back to civilization for a candlelit beach-side dinner. Ben is hoping Kacie B can open up tonight. Kacie B is well aware that tonight she needs to open up, and she’s a little concerned about it. Don’t worry, Kacie B opens up! She tells Ben that she used to have an eating disorder.
They reflect on her opening in confessional:
Her: “I opened up to him like I haven’t before to anybody”
Him: “Kacie B really opened up to me”
After a good five minutes of talking about her eating disorder and how it made her a stronger person and made her who she is today, we’re all wishing that we could’ve had eating disorders! On the strength of her opening up, Kacie B gets the rose.
The girls are carted out to the jungle for their group date, and Ben picks them up in a long wooden boat. Ben wants a girl who can go with the flow, and he’s curious to see how the women will react to this wilderness date. They react by wearing really really short shorts.
Yay! We have short shorts!
The group cruises down the river, with the girls marvelling at Ben’s boat-driving manliness. They come upon a group of native children playing soccer. The kids are wearing loincloths, which is incredibly endearing.
Everybody piles out of the boat and the kids go running off into the woods. Like explorers, the girls and Ben follow, and they soon find a village with real live natives. The response is basically “OMG natives!!!”. They all act as if they’ve discovered this village and this people. Somebody says “hola mis amigos” in a terrible Spanish accent.
These mysterious natives, who clearly weren’t expecting this group of white folk, decide out of the goodness of their hearts—and not because they were paid off beforehand—to dress up the girls and Ben in traditional garb.
All the girls get little bead tops, which they wear over their bikinis. Courtney decides not to wear her bikini top, and gloats that she “has moves these girls have never seen”, like shaking her breasts from side to side.
Ben gets a little blue loincloth, which is a titillating sight for the women. Together they all dance around in the mud with the natives, who dutifully toot their little wooden pipes, smile, and stare at Courtney’s chest.
Everybody is trucked back to the hotel for the traditional post-group date candlelit poolside cushioned love-seat scenario. Ben is really impressed with how the girls didn’t cry when it rained and they start drinking.
Ben and Lindzi get some one-on-one time, and Ben compliments her on showing him her “softer side”, and remarks that “as of late I feel like you’re really opening up”. This bodes well for Lindzi.
Back at the hotel, Blakely and Rachel have deduced that they will be going on a two-on-one date, meaning one of them will be sent home. Blakely is incredibly excited about the date and is getting in Rachel’s head with her unbridled enthusiasm.
Down at the pool, Ben steals Courtney away. He tells us how he really likes Courtney, and that “skinny dipping in Puerto Rico was insane! I mean.. I didn’t expect that”
Ben quickly becomes a massive tool in the presence of Courtney. She once again feigns insecurity, and Ben once again laps it up like a little puppy and does his best to reassure her. The game goes on. Courtney gives Ben her room number and invites him to break the rules again and join her later.
Jamie tries to talk to Ben by the pool, but Courtney immediately begins to parade back and forth in her bikini about 10 feet away. Ben can’t keep his eyes off of Courtney for more than a few seconds, and Jaime is painfully aware of his lack of focus. Ben, per usual, uses his sheepish look on Jaime, as if to say “I totally didn’t expect this and I can’t do anything about it because I’m a little boy and man isn’t Courtney something else?”
Ben struggling to keep his eyes on Jamie
Later, Emily apologizes to Courtney for talking about her to Ben. She’s about 50% sincere, although it takes her awhile to actually say “i’m sorry (this is a classic apology problem in today’s society: people say “I wanted to apologize to you”, instead of saying very simply “I’m sorry”). Courtney responds by saying “we’ll never be friends and I don’t respect you”. Seriously, that’s what she says.
Ben gives the rose to Lindzi, much to the chagrin of Courtney. Later, she waits up for Ben in her room. She does her makeup again and everything, but he—amazingly—doesn’t show. Courtney whines about how all guys end up taking her for granted, and now we’re supposed to feel bad for her.
The 2-on-1 date sends Ben, Blakely, and Rachel to a Salsa club to get some dance lessons. They all get dressed up and Blakely gets the skankier of the two dresses. Ben gets a Rico Suave shirt and vest.
They get lessons from a very authentically Latin-looking woman, and Rachel passes the “step forward and then step backwards” test with flying colors.
Blakely admits that “dancing salsa is very sexual… which is.. completely who i am”. She passes the “step forward and then step backwards” test with flying colors, getting adventurous and wrapping her leg around Ben. Rachel tries to cut in but is rebuffed, and she’s really frustrated and confused by Blakely’s seductive approach: “I don’t get it! Blakely is using her sexuality on Ben… like… is that something he wants?”. We don’t understand either, Rachel. It’s all very confusing.
Rachel gets her lesson, Blakely astutely follows along
Finally the dance lessons are over, and thankfully we aren’t forced to watch them have a dance-off in front of a panel of judges drudged up from past seasons of The Bachelor. They all go to dinner and sit awkwardly for a while before taking turns alone with Ben.
Rachel tells Ben that she thinks they have something really special. Ben tells her “I feel like you have changed… and you’re different and… much more open”. This bodes well for Rachel.
Blakely then shows Ben a really scary scrapbook she has created documenting their adventures. This little number makes her look like some sort of cross between a stalker and a 12-year-old girl. It’s sweet though, and we feel really bad when Ben gives the rose to Rachel.
Blakely gets up from the table and bolts for the exit. Ben acts surprised that she’s upset and indignantly asks her to “slow down please”. Outside, he comforts her with the same awful excuse he used on Elyse last week: that there are other relationships he’s developed that are just so far beyond anything he and Blakely could get to at this point.
They have a tearful hug where Ben says he’s so sorry but that he really appreciates her opening up to him, to which a member of my viewing party responds “He is a phenomenal tool”.
Meanwhile Rachel puts on her bitch beret and gloats a little bit. “Ben likes me better and it feels awesome”.
Finally we get to see what the show has been previewing incessantly since last week: some drama surrounding Casey S. Chris Harrison shows up at the girls’ room and asks “How’s Panama? Huh? Has it been good?”. The girls all know something is up, and finally Chris pulls Casey S aside for a private conversation in front of the cameras and all of America.
Apparently Casey S has a boyfriend back home, who she still has feelings for but who isn’t going to propose to her, and she wants to win The Bachelor so that she can tell him “HA! look! I’m getting married! So there!”
Chris Harrison proposes they go have a real chat with Ben. For some reason he’s carrying an orange clipboard. Like there are some important notes he has to take or some dirt on Casey S he needs to keep close at hand. They walk up to Ben’s hotel room. The Bachelor is totally surprised, I mean, he was just hanging out with a couple of cameramen, not expecting anything, and then these two show up.
Ben and Casey sit down, and she tells him about this other guy who she still has feelings for, but who she’s fairly sure hasn’t been holding her back at all. As usual, Ben takes over the conversation and doesn’t really let her get a word in edgewise and tells her to go home.
Casey does very little to defend herself, and after being consoled by her dear friend (not) Chris Harrison, tearfully crawls into the minivan to go home. It seems in retrospect that her ex-boyfriend called ABC and told them that Casey S is still his, and she is promptly sent home because of it.
Chris Harrison breaks the news to the women, and tells them that Ben said something very important about opening up. He then berates them for awhile about opening up: “you all need to open up. Now. Open the heck up or go home. This shit is real now”. Or something like that.
Sobbing in the minivan, Casey laments the fact that she still “has to deal with” finding somebody to marry her.
Finally it’s rose ceremony time. Nikki is falling in love, and she and Ben are looking pretty close. Courtney tells Rachel that she feels like she might be going home. Rachel is shocked: “really?!?” she asks. “Just kidding!”, says Courtney.
Jamie realizes that she has yet to kiss Ben, and worries that she hasn’t made her affection for him clear enough. She decides that she’s really gonna put herself out there. She’s always known she was prude, but didn’t realize she was quite this prude. She also doesn’t realize that prude is a noun. In any case, Ben had better look out! She’s gonna show him her vagina or something. She sequesters him and talks for awhile about how she hasn’t show him how she feels, then straddles him and just keeeps talking, getting in one or two awkward kisses, but mostly just talking and talking and talking about her grand plans for making whoopie. It’s totally awkward and this is gonna be really hard for her to think about when she gets sent home.
They decide to try kissing once more, and then they talk about their upcoming kiss, plan it out, and treat us to the most uncomfortable two minutes of television i’ve ever seen. Jamie just can’t shut up long enough to let the kiss happen, and when it’s over she knows that her time on the show is over, and this is confirmed a few minutes later when Emily gets the final rose and Jamie is sent home.
Ben toasts to the women and their next destination: Belize, which should come as a surprise to nobody who has watched this show before, because they always go to Belize. On to the awards.
MARF: Casey S is gone, so this award now falls to Kacie B, who beats out Courtney thanks to a well-proportioned face that doesn’t give you the heebies when she does a little smile.
Ben’s Best Line: As Kacie B revealed her third survival item, a bag of candy, Ben rejoices in sarcastic relief: “We’re gonna be OK”.
Ben’s Biggest Mistake: Using a terrible excuse on Blakely instead of telling her honestly that he found the scrapbook creepy and desperate, and he wants a younger chick.
The ‘Fit that Didn’t ‘Fit: Ben’s loincloth and tribal getup. Not a good look for the Bach.
Pole Position: Kacie B is still sitting pretty. I’ll put Lindzi in second, followed by Nicki in third.
Next week: Helicopter rides, ruins, jumping into water, and an intervention where all the girls tell Ben about what a bitch Courtney is. I’m going to make a bold prediction and say Rachel gets sent home.
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