The Bachelor Season 16, Episode 2: Apparently Ben’s a Boob Guy

This week Ben takes the ladies to his hometown of Sonoma. An intimate stroll and dinner in old Sonoma, a play put on by the girls at the community theater, and a tour of Ben’s vineyard all combine for some accelerated connections and some real feelings beginning to develop. Unfortunately, Ben’s weakness for fake breasts takes him down a couple of notches in my eyes. Not that he cares, but I found some of his decisions this week just a little disappointing.

Kacie B. from Tennessee, my early pick for first place, gets the very first date card of the season. The girls fly North to wine country at the start of the episode, and Kacie enjoys a romantic date with Ben in quaint old downtown Sonoma. They stroll through town hand-in-hand like a couple that has been dating for months, have a romantic dinner, some fairly good conversation about Ben’s deceased pa, and then finish up at a movie theater for a private screening of baby videos from both of their childhoods. How this is arranged I’m not sure, and why it’s appropriate on a first date I can’t tell, but they both eat it up. Plenty of footage of Ben’s dad has them both in tears.

The connection here is undeniable and incredibly strong for so early in the show. I don’t see how Ben gets away from Kacie—she’s clearly the one for him. The only question is, can Kacie cope with the next dozen weeks of the show as Ben “tries it out” with every other girl? She’s gonna have to be strong. I imagine at one point she’ll come teary-eyed to Ben at a cocktail party and he’s going to say “you’ve got to trust me”. My guess is she holds up OK, and after he convinces her that he never really felt anything for all the other girls, and he didn’t sleep with Courtney on the overnight date, they have plenty more dinners out in Sonoma.

The group date card, as always, causes quite a stir. With 17 girls sitting on couches in their cute sweats outfits, there’s a cacophony of screams as the names are read. The group date involves the girls putting on a fairytale play starring Ben as Prince Pinot, and directed by a crew of 12 year old Sonomans. Blakely shows up in a striped superslut jumpsuit and draws plenty of criticism from the other ladies. The best line comes from Samantha, as Blakely is cast as the Gingerbread Man: “What do you get when you cross the Gingerbread Man with a hooker? Blakely!”. She also catches the eye of some of the child directors, who in interviews refer to her as “the girl with the… uh (points to chest)”.

The play goes off pretty well, with the ladies predictably swooning over Ben’s so-so body as he disrobes for one scene. You could stick Zach Galifianakis up there, give him a haircut, call him the Bachelor, and any glimpse of his torso would cause these girls to pass out. Some girls get “kissing scenes”, which involve little more than pecks on the cheek, but nearly cause coronaries. Oh to be the Bachelor.

All in all the women and Ben perform admirably, and the packed house at Sonoma’s community theater has a pretty good time. Afterwards the fun begins at some anonymous poolside venue where the booze flows freely and hottubbing is encouraged. Blakely goes on the offensive and declares herself worthy of the single rose up for grabs. It’s Jennifer, however, who steals Ben away for the first kiss of the night. Their conversation is vapid, but Ben’s obviously down to cash in on his status as the Bachelor and make out with any and every girl at any opportunity. They talk for about ninety seconds and then kiss for a couple minutes. Afterwards Jennifer says she can see herself falling in love with Ben. WOW.

Five minutes later, Blakely has the Bachelor cornered in the pool and is pressing her large cocktail-serving chest against his. Somehow, Ben is smitten. He actually compliments her on her “style”—referring to the god-awful slut suit she wore to the day date. He revels at out she came out of her shell and showed him a different side to herself today. I’m sorry Blakely, but you give me the heebies. Ben is apparently a breast guy, and has no problem with fake-looking girls.

Watching this disgusting scene are three of the other girls, including Jennifer, who thought that she had something special with Ben. Her confessional is heart-wrenching. She’s crying and telling us that she just wants Ben to “see who (she) really (is)”. Ee gads. Her heart is clearly out in the open here, and seeing Ben with another woman within five minutes of kissing her is hard to handle. I don’t blame her, but such is the nature of this show.

Blakely continues her aggressive behavior with the other ladies, talking about how hot it got in the hottub with Ben. Samantha can’t handle it and decides to go cry in the bathroom. When a couple of sympathetic hearts toting wine glasses go find her, we hear sobbing and “I’m so f***ing sick of Blakely”.

Meanwhile, back at the house, the third and final date card arrives. Kacie B. reads it aloud: “Courtney, let’s spin the bottle. -Ben”. OMG best date card ever!!!! Courtney proceeds to rub it in Kacie’s face: “How’d that taste coming out of your mouth?”. She even repeats it when Kacie pretends not to have heard clearly. What a B.

Courtney gets to meet Ben’s dog, Scotch, and go on a tour of his vineyard in his cool red truck. He also drives her around at night in a tractor. Scotch is the highlight of this episode, and quite possibly of the entire Bachelor franchise. He’s an ADORABLE terrier with a little bit of scraggly hair under his chin. At one point, as Courtney and Ben sit by a lake, Scotch makes a little whine. Ben immediately reaches for a blanket, saying “he’s cold”. He wraps him up like a little person and Scotch settles down.

Courtney is obviously the hottest girl Ben has ever been around, and he’s going to have difficulty getting over this and realizing that Kasie’s a better match for him. Although she’s the villain of the show, I don’t think Courtney’s really evil. She seems to be quite interested in Ben, but I’m not sure it’s a very lasting interest. I could see her getting tired of him and his simplicity before long. She’s going deep in this show—let’s hope Ben doesn’t get down on one knee for her because it could end badly.

Somehow, Blakely gets the rose on the group date. This I just don’t understand. My only explanation is that Ben F. has not dated many attractive women in his life, and the prospect of playing with a large and shapely set of (fake) breasts is worth securing with a rose. I’m hoping that as the show proceeds, and he realizes he doesn’t have to cash in on every scoring opportunity, he becomes a bit more thoughtful and selective with his flowers.

Naturally, the other women are incredibly upset over Ben’s choice, and Blakely further infuriates them at the cocktail party, as she steals Ben away on multiple occasions despite being safe from elimination.  Ben pulls Jenna aside for some one-on-one.  Jenna launches immediately into a halting, complex explanation of why she isn’t like the other girls, only to be cut off by one of these girls who steals Ben away. Getting cut off in the midst of trying to explain why she’s so emotional and on-edge only serves to make Jenna more emotional and on-edge.  Advice for future Bachelor contestants: STAY IN THE MOMENT.  Nobody wants to hear explanations about why you’re acting so crazy, or complaints about the other girls.  It’s like writing a blog post about why you haven’t been blogging and how you’re going to try to blog some more.  Take advantage of the moment in front of you, let go of everything else, and open up to the brand-new experience about to unfold.

Blakely senses the hostility from the other girls and retreats to the corner of a luggage room, curled up in the fetal position behind a suitcase. One of the trusty cameramen stands comfortably two feet away from her and films away. Ben senses the drama and the declining mood of the party, and roams through the house, finding first Blakely in her corner and then Jenna curled up in a bed sobbing. He leads Jenna out to the rest of the women and then sends her home ten minutes later at the rose ceremony. Poor Jenna. Also cast away was Shawn, the mother of a young boy who didn’t manage to establish any type of connection with the Bachelor. On to the awards.

MARF: Casey remains as the best-looking broad on the show, and I’m hoping next week we get to see a little more of her. Honorable mentions: Kasie B., Emily.

Ben’s Best Line: Sitting down on a overly-cushioned wicker loveseat by the pool with Jenna, he sees her carelessly toss aside a big black blanket.  He scrambles to pick it up, saying “Oohh let’s not put that on the candle”.

Ben’s Biggets Mistake: I can’t argue with the sending home of Shawn or Jenna (who obviously isn’t cut out for this sort of thing). Ben’s biggest mistake of this week was giving so much time and attention to Blakely—and then giving her a rose. I’m sure that deep down Blakely is a beautiful person, but she’s hidden behind many layers of makeup and a big pair of fakies. She uses her sexuality instead of her character to attract Ben, and this tells me she’s got lots of work to do before she’s ready to take part in a healthy relationship.

The ‘Fit that didn’t Fit: Blakely’s striped jumpsuit was pretty bad, but Samantha’s cocktail dress did something terrible to her chestal region, causing a strangely long and spindly line of cleavage that seemed to reach her chin.

Pole Position: Kacie B.’s position as front-runner was solidified by her great date with Ben. Courtney’s not far behind.

Next week looks to be filled with plenty of drama and perhaps a medical emergency. An ex girlfriend is apparently going to make an appearance. Although her identity remains a mystery, I can tell from her voice and awkward little hands that it’s Ashley—last year’s Bachelorette. And while the teaser would have us believe that she’ll stir things up, I see this as a very tame cameo. Happy with JP, she and Ben will most likely have a nice conversation and perhaps she’ll give him some advice on which girls “she has a really good feeling about”.  And they’re going to San Francisco!