Finally, at long last, we’ve reached the season finale of The Bachelor. I couldn’t be happier, honestly. While I started off this season with high hopes, week after week of inane uninteresting drama have left me a cynical shell of the Bachelor fan I once was. And so, for perhaps the last time, I give you my review.
We’re in Switzerland, still, and Ben can’t believe that his journey of love is ending here. His hotel room has a view of the spectacular Matterhorn, and it’s a good thing:
“Somehow someway that big ol’ beautiful Matterhorn gives me hope”. It’s like he’s Frodo Baggins on a quest to destroy the one ring, and seeing the mountain is all that keeps him going. Oh wait. He’s an average dude at a hotel in Switzerland who has to choose between two women.
Ben’s mom and sister come to visit and offer some support. They walk up to his little cabin and knock on the door. He doesn’t get up from his chair by the fire to open the door. Because he’s the Bachelor, and women must prove themselves to him. They let themselves in and have some hugs and Ben gets all teary eyed! He loves them!
Ben’s sister Julia is good at reading women, so she’s going to be a huge help. She takes herself and her minuscule television appearance way too seriously, acting as if her approval and her advice are monumental and of national importance.
Ben gives his family a little preview of the two girls, and the challenge has been set: Lindzi needs more time and for Ben to be sure of how she really feels about him, and Courtney needs to put to rest concerns about her ability to get along with women.
Somehow, Julia knows that there’s a girl here that the other girls don’t get along with. She’s just chatting away and randomly asks “so is there like a girl that had problems getting along with the other women?” Totally coincidental, I’m sure. Ben tells her that yes, there is such a girl and her name is Courtney. Julia says “it’s a red flag”, and Ben gets scared. She also says she would be “weary” (not a typo) of such a woman.
Lindzi shows up the next day for lunch, and is really really nervous. At the table she keeps dropping her fork.
After some awkward eating, Ben’s mother pulls her aside and asks the million dollar question: What is it about Ben that you find so appealing? Damn good question Mom. We’ve all been wondering the same thing.
Lindzi says he’s “Caring, compassionate, and passionate about what he does”, which is a very good answer, and it’s sad to see this girl sucking up so hard to Ben and his family.
Then it’s Julia’s turn with Lindzi, and we realize that she looks exactly like Ben with even longer hair, which is really scary. She’s trying to be cool and authoritative, and she immediately brings up Courtney, per ABC’s instructions. She says that the girl who the other girls don’t get along with “is usually a red flag”. It is hard to get along with a red flag—green flags are much friendlier. Red flags tend to be rather standoffish and stiff. And red. And flag-like.
In the end, the huge surprise is that mommy and sissy like Lindzi alot, and Ben is totally relieved.
Before we go to break, Julia says in confessional that there are “red flags” when it comes to Courtney already. Dramatic music ensues.
Back from break, Julia says “red flag” again (seriously) and we’re getting really worried about Courtney.
Courtney shows up for lunch and Ben greets her in a ridiculous massive grey sweater. Let’s note that Courtney is given the favorable position of going second. Whereas Lindzi tried to sell herself to Ben’s family, Ben tries to sell Courtney.
Julia immediately brings up the other girls in the house, and Courtney says she tried with everybody, but that some girls “wouldn’t look at her or talk to her”, so she eventually just gave up.
Julia and Courtney head outside for their one-on-one time, and Julia says that hearing Courtney didn’t get along with the girls “is kind of a red flag”. At this point I want to find a red flag and slap Julia with it repeatedly.
Courtney says some of the girls weren’t interested in getting to know her. Julia’s coming around quickly to the idea of Courtney. She says she “won’t ever know what really happened”, (unless she watches the TV show, of course), but that she wants to believe what Courtney is telling her.
Courtney goes on to compliment Ben: He’s special and smart and funny. She’s really happy, and it’s just like a fairy tale.
With Courtney gone, Julia gives Ben her verdict: it’s the moment America’s been waiting for! Julia’s first impression is that “she’s shocked”. She’s “blown away”.
Oh my god she’s shocked! Does she not like her?!?!?! AAHHH!!
“Courtney’s an amazing girl. If you want my approval? You can have it.”
“Oh yeeaaah” says Ben, like he’s inside of somebody. Good lord his sweater is ridiculous.
Now we get the happy music, and everything’s OK with Courtney. She’s already calling Barbara “Barb”, which is a little bit weird.
Now the three Bens sit and reflect on the two women. “Barb” thinks that Lindzi is very accomplished in her career and in her hobbies. She also thinks that Courtney is accomplished in her career too.
Julia says Courtney was really honest. Barb thinks Courtney’s giving Ben her true side. Julia thinks that as far as the complete package goes, Courtney’s more what he’s looking for. Looks like it’s going to be Courtney. Weird that they’re giving us this already. But it’s not like we didn’t know. We just need to put Lindzi through the ringer and break her heart really bad first.
Two. More. Dates.
Ben rolls up to his date with Lindzi in a ridiculous carriage. Surprisingly, his coat kinda fits and doesn’t look totally ridiculous. They’re going skiing! Lindzi has always wanted to ski, and at 27 she’s finally getting her big chance. She doesn’t know what she’s getting into, just like in a relationship.
They get in a gondola and Lindzi knows it’s time to open up. Looking at Ben it’s pretty obvious that he’s set on Courtney.
Lindzi wants to know if Ben thinks she’s been open. Like, “have I been a good open girl?”. Ben’s like, “yeah, you’ve been open”. You’ve been a good girl. Now Lindzi’s really opening up and she wants to be the best she can be for him, and he says coolly “uh huh. it means a lot, it does”. This is hard to watch. Lindzi is a catch and she’s trying so hard to ingratiate herself to this mediocre dude. It’s so over. Sorry Lindzi.
She feels like she can trust Ben. Both on the slopes and in life. She really likes metaphors. Skiing in Switzerland looks awesome. They go back to the hotel for dinner.
“I’m so vulnerable” Lindzi tells us. “I’ve never been more vulnerable”. She still needs to let him know how she feels, apparently. He’s really sincere though, which makes it easier for her to open up to him, which is good for all of us.
OH MY GOD IT’S THE SAME STORY OVER AND OVER AGAIN WITH THIS WOMAN
“I came into this with walls up” “I think maybe I do use a sense of humor as a crutch, a defense”. Ben gets it. He totally gets it.
They’re still talking about Lindzi letting her guard down. She says “I love you” but in a questioning way that makes it easier to say.
Ben says “Thank you for opening up. I’ve been waiting for this point, you know? for you to open up and to get there.” He’s like totally approving and cool about it, and it’s like this sick game where she has to prove that she loves him enough and he just sits back and nods and says “good”, and salivates over how vulnerable and open she is.
She wants this, if he wants this, and she wants him to know everything he needs to know, and my god I feel bad for this poor woman because it’s going to hurt so badly and Ben can’t even say that he loves her too, because apparently there’s some Bachelor rule against this.
Now it’s time for Courtney’s date. I’d like to point out that Courtney again is getting the favorable position here, going second.
Courtney’s still not through burning the girls: “one thing I like about Ben is that he has a lot of depth? And that’s just not something I noticed in Lindzi.”
They go off in a helicopter, and Ben pretends that he’s been up in the chopper all week scouting the territory: “You’re gonna love it”.
“I’m hoping that our relationship is progressing to new heights”, says Ben. Are they required to make crappy metaphors out of everything? They obviously didn’t receive training on making good metaphors, perhaps just cash bonuses for each metaphor they drop.
Courtney likes Ben and she feels like she can trust him, and she doesn’t trust men easily. She doesn’t trust women easily either, of course. Maybe she trusts dogs.
Ben grills up some sausages on a cool little BBQ and Courtney throws a little snowball at him. He LOVES it. They go sledding down the hill and they’re actually kinda cute. Maybe they are totally meant for each other.
Back at the hotel, Courtney gives Ben a prezzie. It’s a scrapbook of photos of the two of them. Somehow it’s much less creepy than Blakely’s. It doesn’t look like it was made by an 8-year-old. That’s probably it.
There’s a long love letter, and she reads the ENTIRE THING OUTLOUD to Ben. She even reads the “dot dot dot”, and the signature, “Cee”.
“That’s really really nice! Talk about being vulnerable!” says Ben. Seriously. He says “talk about being vulnerable” outloud. Boy does he love open, vulnerable girls. As they walk back to the fireplace, we see that Ben is wearing suspenders, but they’re off his shoulders and hanging around his butt.
Courtney wants a little positive reinforcement from Ben, but he doesn’t get the message. He just sits there and nods and it gets a little awkward. Courtney’s worried about the drama with the girls again, and she’s tearing up in confessional. Yeah. Not a good end to their date. Ben takes the pictures and his little suspenders and saunters away down the hallway.
Ben’s nerves are getting the best of him. They’re building faster than he’s ever felt before in his life. I’ve never felt my nerves building, so I can’t really relate.
It’s the day of reckoning, and we get shots of the girls waking up and looking out at the surroundings. They’re so good at pretending the camera isn’t there and that they wake up with a thoughtful, soulful look in their eye every morning, and walk straight to the curtains to gaze out and greet the day.
Ben wakes up and tells us he knows what he’s doing. He’s made his mind up. “If you can get through all of these hurdles, I feel like you can accomplish anything together”. You go over hurdles, not through them. Just saying.
Neil Lane, cheesy overly-tanned jewelry guy, shows up, and we’re supposed to care. Ben picks out a ridiculous ring that’s completely covered in diamonds. Well hey, if you’re gonna get a free engagement ring, you might as well go big. Neil offers his heartfelt encouragement to Ben, who seems to care, and I wonder if this Neil Lane guy might actually think this whole Bachelor thing is like, totally normal.
Courtney’s ‘fit is ridiculous. Long black leather gloves and a pale frock coat with arm holes. Lindzi’s is even worse. She’s got a green velvet cloak and looks prepared for a renaissance fair.
Shots of the girls in helicopters, Ben walking along in the Swiss countryside. Both girls love him, and they’re both really scared, and we’re supposed to be wondering who he’s talking about and who he’s going to pick! But we know! It’s Courtney!
Ben can honestly say that this is the first time in his life that he feels like somebody loves him as much as he loves them.
Here comes helicopter number one, and Chris Harrison is there to greet the girl. It’s Lindzi. Big surprise. Are we supposed to pretend we still don’t know this means she’s going home? I guess so. We have to listen to Lindzi talk about how this is the beginning of a lifetime of bliss with Ben. Chris Harrison passes her off with an “OK Lindz. Ben’s right over there”. “Lindz?” Seriously?
This is the moment girls dream of their whole life, says Lindzi. Sorry honey, this isn’t the moment you dreamed of.
Lindzi starts talking, which is terrible because she’s only making this worse. And then it hits her. He says he’s nervous. And he starts talking and says he saw herself with her in that moment.
“I want you to know that I’ve fallen in love with you”, says Ben. “But. I need those moments to last a lifetime. And I’ve found that with someone else. And I’m sorry. I’m in love with someone else. I’m sorry”.
What a freaking shitshow. what a terrible, terrible thing to put somebody through. Ben walks Lindzi back to her helicopter. This is awful. And all for what? So we can enjoy another public breakup? Lindzi’s not letting this one go. She’s mad at herself “for not giving you what you needed. it kills me”. Oh my god sweetheart. It’s really not your fault. “Good luck”, she says. “And if things don’t work out. call me?”. Ohhhh boy you really didn’t need to say that.
Flying away in her helicopter, Lindzi says “he didn’t want me”. “If he does really want to marry Courtney? I would be totally shocked, and he would look like a total fool”. She handles it pretty well. Cries a little. Wants to go home now. Bye Lindzi.
Now Ben waits to propose to Courtney, and we’re supposed to wonder if she says yes. Or even wonder if he’s going to propose. I’m watching basketball right now. Courtney says she’s a good person, and that good things happen to good people. You’re right about the second thing Courtney. Oh good, her friend Chris Harrison is there waiting for her. Blake Griffin can’t believe he just got called for a foul.
Ben thinks Courtney looks pretty, but he’s probably a little scared of her gloves. Rajon Rondo’s at the line, and he drills two free throws, which is great because he’s on my fantasy team.
Ben’s talking about Belize where he had a moment of past, present, and future, which means nothing really. Then he says that she’s his forever. That he’s in love with her “more than you’ll ever know” Which also means nothing. Paul Pierce is still getting it done. Down on one knee goes Ben. Courtney can hardly keep from crapping her pants. She approves of the diamond. Yes! She’s obviously way more into the ring than the idea of being with Ben forever. “Oh my Dad” and “I know, right?” both come out in rapid succession.
So who’s ready for another hour of this crap?
It’s time for “After the Final Rose”, and 30 seconds after shots of Courtney and Ben in love on a Swiss mountaintop, we’re getting psyched for the inside scoop on this relationship that has already fallen apart. There’s no moment to enjoy what we maybe thought was a nice story, no time to reflect on this journey of love. It’s on to more drama. This relationship we created has already fallen apart, and it’s time to cash in, says ABC.
So we get Ben, then Courtney, then Ben and Courtney together. But mostly we get Chris Harrison. And the one takeaway from all of this is that Chris Harrison is sick. He doesn’t give a shit about these people and the rougher it is for them, the more painful and deeply unsettling, the better. Ben’s almost crying, Courtney’s definitely crying, and Chris Harrison sits back and maintains a tone of the helpful marriage counselor, while asking sick, probing, insensitive questions.
The story goes that Ben, upon seeing Courtney’s antics on the show, stopped talking to her for a while. She supposedly tried to get a hold of him and do everything she could, but to no avail. Some pictures came out of Ben hooking up with other girls, but those are apparently fabricated and untrue. Neither of them really know where they stand right now, but both of them are willing to give it a try and optimistic that things will get better now that the TV show is over.
Chris refers to them as the most controversial couple in America, and says “It’s tough that I have to say ‘the most controversial couple’ in America”. Do you have to Chris? Says who? ABC? And is it really tough for you Chris? Do you really care? Fuck you, Chris Harrison. Fuck you and your fake friendly demeanor. Fuck you and your sick twisted network that puts people through this year after year after year.
Our three hours of misery finally come to a close with Ashley and JP, the couple still standing after last season of the Bachelorette. Chris Harrison gets to be the happy-go-lucky nice guy again who’s so thrilled to see a young couple in love. He’s practically their best friend and privy to all sorts of inside jokes. He even offers to marry them, and they pretend to be really excited about this.
I’m drained, unhappy, and upset. I feel bad for Ben and Courtney, and I feel gross for participating in this monstrosity of a television event. I’m sorry to everybody that was encouraged to watch this show because of my blog, and I’m sorry for all the unkind things I said about any of the participants. ABC’s The Bachelor is exploitative and wrong. I hope a pair of contestants one day manage to bring it down.
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