Isn’t it nice to receive an email from a friend? Especially somebody you haven’t seen in awhile, or who’s living in another part of the world? Yes, well, perhaps at first, but next thing you know you may find yourself resenting the note and even its sender, all thanks to a strange psychological phenomenon that today I’m defining and coining as my own – the Gabriel effect of correspondence.
Anecdotal Example
While living in Barcelona, I taught English classes to a lovely family, who we’ll call the Orozcos. They had two fantastic children who I very much looked forward to seeing each week, and when summer came and we had our last class, I was very sad to say goodbye. Our farewell was made easier by the shared conviction that we would stay in touch (an innocent idea, and one worthy of its own study). We exchanged email addresses, and in the months following my departure, a small series of emails.
I really enjoyed receiving emails from the Orozco family – first from Sra. Orozco, and then from the children as well. When one of these messages came rolling in, I would read it, smile to myself, maybe read it again, then, wishing to respond in kind – but not immediately disposed to such activity – move on with my day. Planted in my mind, the requisite response began to stew. At first, I’d simply imagine writing back soon, when I’d be more “in the mood”. Inevitably, however, the day would end, the next one would come and go, and I would still be sans response. Waiting as I was for the perfect opportunity to present itself, before I knew it, a week would have passed.
During this week, not a day would go by that I didn’t think about the email. With each successive day of these thoughts, unaccompanied as they were by decisive action, the task at hand grew greater. Each day that the Orozcos sat waiting for my response, I thought, must be compensated by an increasingly stellar email. Whereas at first a simple reply would suffice, after two weeks my response had to be at least five paragraphs in length, funny, heartfelt, interesting, emotionally revealing, with individual shout-outs to each Orozco, plus attached photos of my new apartment, latest painting, and some traditional American cuisine. As my expectations for the quality of my response grew, I saw the amount of effort required to respond increase as well. A standard 10-minute time slot was no longer sufficient – responding to the Orozcos now required a full hour of prime creative time and space, an opportunity that did not present itself readily. The wait went on.
Before long, I was trapped in a feedback loop that spiralled dangerously out of control. Each day I would see the email in my account, cringe at the amount of time it had gone without response, and wish I’d replied immediately. How easy it would have been to have written just what came to my mind in that moment of first impression! How quickly I could have tapped out a sincere response! How much better would my life now be! Instead I began to resent the email, its constant presence in my life, and the Orozcos themselves. The grand response plagued my every waking moment with its grandeur, its perfect mix of English, Spanish, and Catalan, its sultry blend of poetry and prose; oh how Sra. Orozco would call the children and her husband to her side, “un email del Gabriel!”, she would say, how they would come running, eyes lit up with excitement, how they would laugh heartily and smile at each other through the comedy, and tear up during the emotional revelations, nodding slowly as my words touched their very souls. I feared that I was not man enough to create such a response – it had taken on a life of its own, transcended my own capability, and doomed me to continued guilt and paralysis of inaction. This is the Gabriel effect of correspondence.
Technical Details
In a positive feedback loop, A produces more of B, which in turn produces more of A.
A. Time (Response delay)
B. Expectation
As time passes without a response, the expected quality of said response increases. As expectation grows, the effort required to produce a response increases, producing a longer delay. Examples of this effect can be found in emails, letters, voicemail, facebook messages, wall posts, and even text messages. The only sure strategy for mitigating the effect is to respond immediately to all correspondence.
Summary
Correspondence carries the expectation of a response. This is an unwritten rule of society, and one that can cause great consternation. By clarifying this phenomenon, my goal is to increase awareness of the powerful effect even the simplest note can have on a fragile psyche, and help others like myself safely navigate social contracts and long-distance friendships.
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